Break Up or Make Up – Your Coach Approach

“I’m over it,” your client declares.

“Okay… I guess we will get right into it today.” You smile in reply. “What is it you are over?”

What is it all of us are over? Polarization. It has crept into our daily lives, exacerbated by the distance of social media. Digital distance allows people to feel there is no harm in declaring their singular views on very nuanced and complex issues. At the same time, people are choosing to take great offense at others’ opinions, as if we’re supposed to check in and make sure we are all aligned.

As coaches, how should we respond when our clients react in such a way? What is our agenda-free role? How do we ensure our clients are responding thoughtfully rather than reacting based on micro-stresses or burnout?

We can rely on our role as partners. We can offer various lenses to view the situation: the macro side of their conflict and the telephoto side. We can explore the context in which they see themselves and their world. We can offer the test of learning and growing.

We can also offer the idea of hypothesizing the future world if our client were to stick to these governing boundaries that determined the fate of this conflict and every other in the future. Is this the richer world? The bigger life? What are the consequences of this behavior?  Does it affect their reputation, credibility, or affection? Does it ring true with their core values? And as we speak of character, ask them if they would do the same if no one was looking.

As coaches, we are in a unique position. While we understand our client’s values and goals, we are free of their limiting beliefs and the burden of ego. We focus on their essence and potential to be fulfilled.

As we partner with our clients to help them reach their best selves, we can emphasize their chosen identity and the behaviors that anchor strong habits. What is it they want to be known for? What is the brand that echoes their conduct? If we begin with that end in mind, we can construct an approach to polarization that allows them to fully express their truth and honor others’ freedom to express their own truth – knowing that facts often lie somewhere in the middle. This is the essence of the diversity we so widely preach, diversity of thought. Our world is richer for full expression.

Our job as coaches is to help clients become aware that diversity is desirable and their brand (and conduct) can form the boundaries for how they respond to polarizing conflict. Can they articulate boundaries for themselves that honor their own preferences and tendencies and create space for others as well?

Our fatigue is real, as is burnout. Research has shown that burnout does not have to be from major events but can result from the build-up of many micro-stressors over days and weeks that threaten our personal foundation.

Research from HCI and ICF has shown that the success of change efforts relies on three indicators: leadership, communication, and employee resilience. When these factors are managed well, the change efforts succeed; when done poorly, they are doomed to fail. When we lead change for ourselves, we are the leadership, and how we speak to ourselves about how we are handling that change is communication. Our foundation and resilience, combined with this leadership and communication, determine whether we bend or break in the face of adversity.

As coaches, we advocate for our clients’ resilience. Beyond addressing the hygienics of sleep, nutrition, and stress reduction, we want to create awareness of the importance of self-talk and their intentions (leadership) for the changes around polarization. How will they identify with their intended breakup or make-up approach to conflict? What will align with their identity and values, and what will erode their self-esteem? Self-esteem is built by keeping commitments to ourselves. If a client identifies values, branding or boundaries they do not consistently honor, their self-esteem will suffer. When do people act out, pick fights, and embroil themselves in conflict? When their values are unclear or their self-esteem is suffering, they are looking for a quick win, which may turn out to be a long-term loss.

By working on identity, values, and boundaries with clients, we ensure they build up their resilience and have clarity on whether their conflicts are worthy of a breakup or make-up.

© Shawna Corden 2023

The content in this article was explored in depth at ICF Converge 2023. Even if you did not attend, you do not have to miss out. You can access the corresponding session recording, ” Let’s Not Break Up: Overcoming Polarization,” as well as 60 other recordings from the event with the ICF Converge 2023 On-Demand Package.