The Stories We Tell Ourselves (and Others)

Annette Simmons is the author of Whoever Tells the Best Story Wins: How to Use Your Own Stories to Communicate with Power and Impact. Her book is intended to help you get into “story thinking,” using stories as tools to bring emotion back into the decision-making process.

She writes, “We know everything will change tomorrow anyway, so we may as well lean on the things that don’t change—meaning and universal truths. Stories that are emotionally stimulating relay truths that were true before you and I were born and will remain true long after we die.”

Simmons says in a way, it’s not necessary to learn storytelling because we tell stories every day. She says her book is actually designed to help you pay better attention to the stories you already tell, so you can adjust the perceptions your stories build and sustain. “Most of the time, we don’t realize we are telling stories,” she writes. “It is even less obvious how powerfully these stories impact our lives.”

We’re constantly telling stories (to ourselves and others) and those stories not only retell what we believed has happened, they also predict what will happen. Pay attention to the stories you tell in a day. How many were recaps of bad experiences: slow traffic, stupid people, disappointments and inconveniences? What’s the ratio of “bad day” stories you tell to “good day” stories?

I had an elderly relative who complained incessantly about her day. Every time I spoke to her, she’d had a miserable day. She was long retired and didn’t get out much, but when she did, her experience was terrible. From the store being out of her favorite brand of cottage cheese to waiting on hold forever to make an appointment, to people driving like maniacs or getting her fast food order wrong, her life was one long story of woe.

I left one visit with her telling my husband, “The world is a different place for her than for me.” She saw danger and incompetence everywhere, so it’s no wonder most of her experiences were either scary or disappointing. She was creating the world she lived in with every story she told herself.

Annette Simmons says we tell six kinds of stories every day, and paying attention to how we tell them can change the course of our careers and our lives.

Her six stories are:

• Who I am stories (What I believe, how I feel, and how I arrived at that conclusion)
• Why I’m here stories (explaining your reasoning about the current situation)
• Teaching stories (explaining how something works or what to expect)
• Vision stories (why what’s happening now will be worth it in the end)
• Values in Action stories (demonstrating what you believe by acting on it in real life)
• I Know What You’re Thinking stories (telling people you understand their thinking by bringing out their secret emotions, desires, doubts, or fears)

Unfortunately, most of our Who I Am stories portray us as tired, stressed-out, misunderstood victims, like my relative.  If you listen to your coworkers, you’ll hear much of the same. Simmons says, “When you turn your attention to the six kinds of stories I’ve just outlined, you will be more intentional in creating the kind of perceptions that achieve goals rather than reinforce problems.”

It’s true that bad stories are more interesting – we’re wired to focus on what went wrong instead of what went right. Simmons says that’s only human. “Most of us have to admit we are not that noticeable when we are happy and productive. We sort of fade into the woodwork. The times we seek attention are the times when we think a correction needs to be made.”

I’ll talk more about how to tell more effective and persuasive stories in future posts.