Soft Language Works for Women

In an article for The New York Times, Adam Grant says the advice women get to eliminate “soft language” is bad advice. He writes, “If you’re a woman, you’ve probably gotten this advice from a mentor, a coach or a teacher. If you want to be heard, use more forceful language. If you want a raise or a promotion, demand it. As the saying goes, nice girls don’t get the corner office.”

He says the advice (essentially, “be more like a man”) is misguided. Softening requests and ideas is how women get things done in business. “I might be wrong, but…” “Have you ever thought about…” Tacking “what do you think?” on to the end of sentences. All these soft phrases take away any impression of arrogance or aggression – which tend to hurt a woman’s chances of being heard or promoted.

Grant says that in an experiment, “experienced managers watched videos of people negotiating for higher pay and weighed in on whether the request should be granted. The participants were more willing to support a salary bump for women — and said they would be more eager to work with them — if the request sounded tentative.”

It’s disappointing that 50 years after women became a significant part of the workforce, we’re still subject to different rules of conduct than men. But most women in business have learned that being outspoken and too confident hurts their chances of getting what they need and want. The B word isn’t short for “bold.”

Grant writes, “In the United States and in many cultures, gender stereotypes still hold that men should be dominant and assertive, while women should be kind and caring. When women violate these stereotypes, they often get punished. In a meta-analysis of dozens of studies, when women asserted their ideas, made direct requests and advocated for themselves, they were judged as less hirable. Although they were seen as equally competent, they were liked less than men who engaged in the exact same behaviors.”

Adam Grant says that women, when asked, will say that their phrasing is a sign of emotional intelligence. They’re showing that they care about and are sensitive to what other people think. And Grant agrees – he says it’s a powerful communication tool.

Whether it’s fair or not, women learn that sounding tentative makes them more likeable and more likely to get their point across. Gender stereotyping is still a fact of life. Women are penalized for being assertive and outspoken. But men are also subject to unfair standards; Grant says that men are liked less and paid less if they come across as too modest and too agreeable.

Grant says the solution is “to normalize ‘weak language’ as a strong way to express concern and humility. If we do that, we won’t have to keep encouraging women to communicate more forcefully. Instead, we’ll finally be able to recognize the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness.”

I think he’s on to something… what do you think?