Being a Jerk is Not Against the Law (even if we think it should be)

“I’m afraid being a jerk isn’t against the law, even if we wish it could be.” That’s a quote from yours truly when I worked as an executive for a regional nonprofit organization. I sometimes heard from employees outside my division, asking for advice on whether they should file a formal grievance about their boss. They’d describe behavior that was probably bad management and certainly bad form, but often didn’t rise to the standard of creating a hostile work environment.

And I was right, as far as it went. A true hostile work environment must meet certain legal criteria, according to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). An environment can become hostile when:

• Unwelcome conduct, or harassment, is based on race, sex, pregnancy, religion, national origin, age, disability or genetics
• Harassment is continued and long lasting
• Conduct is severe enough that the environment becomes intimidating, offensive or abusive

Working relationships are challenging in many ways; one of which is that they bring together diverse personalities that might never choose to associate in a different environment. Managers inherit workers they may not have hired, given the choice. Workers are presented with a new manager whose style, personality, and preferences might be drastically different from their predecessor’s. Figuring out how to get along and get the job done takes time and sometimes, compromise.

Everyone’s entitled to a bad day every now and then. And some managers have direct or hard-hitting communication styles that may be problematic for sensitive subordinates. One man’s (or woman’s) plain speaking may be another man’s bullying.

But being a bad manager isn’t against the law, and most employees have the choice (even if it’s a tough one) to look for another job. How can you tell when your boss’s style has gone from bad to bully?

I might be slower than most to recognize a bully boss, since my first job out of high school put me under a terrible manager. I was hired by a national retail store as an associate. I was 18, eager to please, and this was my first employment experience outside babysitting.  My part-time hours were mostly in the evenings and on weekends; I was charged with keeping merchandise stocked and neat and helping customers with questions about hats, gloves, scarves, and purses.

At least once a week, my boss would make a surprise visit to the store during my shift. She’d come in, take one look at the department (which she’d left just a couple of hours earlier) and start screaming at me that I was doing a terrible job. She’d reel through the aisles, pulling items off the shelf and throwing them onto the ground, ordering me to pick them up and “do the damn job I’m paying you for.”

Having no experience to draw from, it was only months later that I realized she was an alcoholic and was drunk when she made these raids. I didn’t know that I didn’t have to put up with that kind of treatment. I didn’t know that horrified customers and coworkers had expressed concern to the general manager, who didn’t take any action that I was aware of.

The job was making me sick – literally. A few hours before I had to report for work, my stomach would start churning, and I’d throw up. My mom started calling in sick for me, since my boss was always polite and rational with her on the phone (and sober until at least 5:00.) Eventually, after six months of bullying, I quit and went on to another job. One I enjoyed, with an easygoing supervisor. But the scars are still there.

The Clemmer Group, an organizational development company, has developed this quiz to see if your boss is a bully. In their blog, Clemmer cites a 2021 U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey report that says 79.3 million workers are affected by workplace bullying. 2/3 of that bullying is by bosses. 43% of remote workers report being bullied in meetings and by e-mail.

No one should accept treatment at work that harms them emotionally or makes them ill (which stress and distress can do.) The Clemmer blog post quotes The Workplace Bullying Institute: “abuse at work is the only form of abuse in America that is not yet taboo. All other forms have been condemned — abuse of children, spouses, partners — while bullying at work is still considered a normal, inevitable, or even a necessary business practice.”

You don’t have to put up with bullying in the workplace. If your manager is truly toxic, document the incidents and report them to HR or a trusted leader. Do it for your wellbeing and for the team members who don’t have the courage or ability to do it for themselves.

#bekind