Facing A Tough Conversation? Communicate With Courage

Reality check: Technical skills aside, your ability to communicate effectively with other people is the most critical ingredient in your recipe for success. And much of that communication—arguably the most important part—comes in the form of conversation.

That’s right, talk.

Whether in the workplace, elsewhere in the community, or at your own kitchen table, the way you communicate with other people affects the quality of your relationships, the trajectory of your career, and the satisfaction you derive from your life.

No pressure, or anything. But you really need to get it right.

Most people seem to think they do okay with the daily routine of talking. And they probably do. But it’s a different deal with risky situations. For example, dealing with an abusive boss or rude co-worker. Or navigating a conversation with an unhappy client. Or giving an employee constructive and honest feedback—along with an accurate performance review—rather than opting for an inflated rating to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

All of that requires courage.

Communication expert Michelle Gladieux says courage is strength in the face of fear. It means “not giving in to doubt when you feel a longing to get in the game as a communicator.”

The good news is that skill with challenging conversations can be learned. And even if you think you’re already pretty good at such conversations, chances are you have room for improvement.

Gladieux’s book is an excellent resource for your quest to get more comfortable and more successful with the tough conversations that seem to pop up daily. It’s titled Communicate with Courage: Taking Risks to Overcome the Four Hidden Challenges.

She says these four challenges are common blind spots:

• Hiding from risk
• Defining to be right
• Rationalizing the negative
• Settling for “good enough”

Gladieux is an executive coach, teacher, and keynote speaker who’s committed to helping people overcome fears about communication. She’s designed and presented more than 1,000 original seminars for a wide range of clients—corporate, nonprofit, academic, government, and military.

Rodger Dean Duncan: Great communication, you say, is a “full-body, full-mind, and full-heart effort.” Tell us what you mean by that.

Michelle Gladieux: I’m happy to. Living up to one’s potential as a communicator is an endeavor that, should we choose it, requires concerted effort daily. It’s worth it! It makes life less complicated and more rewarding. It isn’t just about superior messaging strategy, although that’s part of it. If our words are expertly chosen without positive intention, our communication leaves something to be desired. If our intention is noble but we’re not thinking through messaging strategy, our words won’t resonate as we might hope.

Great communication happens when we align intellect, emotion, and body language to work harmoniously in service to speaking, writing, and listening. It feels amazing and builds self-esteem to know you’ve “left it all on the court.” Our effort changes us as it changes our teams, organizations, communities, and ultimately, our world, for the better.

Duncan: Give us some examples of common communication situations where courage is especially important.

Gladieux: Our ability to move forward despite fear is one of the most thrilling gifts of being human. Courage is intangible. It’s vital that we find it for ourselves. We are smart to seek guides for inspiration and advice. We can share our goals to create accountability.

It’s an advantage to see fear as friend rather than foe. Fear tells us we’ll need to summon strength to give a situation our best go. Courage allows us to stop giving in to doubt when we feel a longing to get in the game as a communicator. It’s there when we ask someone out or apply for a job that we’re not sure we’re qualified for, risking rejection. It takes guts to look at our self-talk and to question it when it’s not accurate, helpful, or kind. We might need to push past fear to ask ourselves and others how we’re perceived. Courage is needed when we raise our voice to defend our own or another’s reputation, rights, or interests. It requires bravery to ask for forgiveness, seek or share due credit, or to put our cards on the table about our personal or professional needs in relationships. One of my favorite ways to see courage show up in communication happens when I hear myself or others admit bias or own a mistake—something that happens all too rarely in many workplaces and families.

The less-discussed other half of communication is listening, and there’s room for courage to emerge here as well. Personally, it’s hard for me to be still and empathize with others when negative emotions are present or conflict is occurring, but I’m learning. I like to think I get a little better at it every year of life. Courage can mean being quiet when you’ve got a remark teed-up for a laugh at someone else’s expense. It can mean deciding not to rush in with an answer to allow less-experienced people to unearth their own. Great listening requires the more verbose to stifle impulsiveness and face the discomfort of waiting, perhaps facing a fear that they won’t be heard, or they’ll forget what they want to say. I like to remind myself that discomfort is often a sign that something important is changing within me for the better.

Duncan: Relationships often come with risks. What’s the key to understanding those risks and navigating them successfully?

Gladieux: Weighing risk against reward and taking calculated chances helps us live a full life. The best relationships are earned through mutual risk-taking as communicators build trust. Expressing our feelings can be scary. We’ve all had difficult goodbyes and our hearts broken. To get back up and continue to put our best foot forward in communication is not for the weak. It irks me when communication pursuits are labeled “soft skills.” There’s nothing soft about striving for excellence in this arena.

One great way to mitigate risk as a communicator is to ensure your directness is balanced with sincere concern for how your message is received and vice versa. Personality assessment often helps my coaching clients wake up to the fact that they’re overusing or underusing avoidance, accommodation, or competition as communicators, and then things can really start to change for the better as we make new plans.

There’s an art to revealing our vulnerabilities, values, emotions, and goals at the right time and to an appropriate extent in relationships. We can work on skillful self-disclosure. This alleviates others’ mistrust and feelings of distance from us.

In a study by Zenger and Folkman in 2019 with 87,000 leaders, three elements stood out as behaviors that earn trust: a desire to resolve conflict and cooperate, good judgment based on subject-matter expertise, and consistently doing what one says one will do, doing more than expected when possible. We can aim to build similar qualities in ourselves and look for these qualities in others with whom we associate.

Duncan: What process do you recommend for analyzing an audience before a public presentation?

Gladieux: First, know this: the vast majority of any audience is rooting for you. If you want to be there, we can tell. If you don’t, we feel vicarious pain. We want you to enjoy your time in front of the room because it feels like we’re succeeding right along with you.

Audience analysis lowers fears about public speaking. The better you know your recipients, the more prepared you and your messaging can be for anything that might transpire. Do your homework. Find out what skills or job titles are represented in your audience and how much knowledge of your topic they possess. Document something you have in common, their likely attitude toward your topic and your presentation, and clearly summarize what you hope they’ll get from it and what they’ll do as a result.

Duncan: One of the hidden challenges you write about is “rationalizing the negative.” What does that mean, and what are the steps to overcoming that challenge?

Gladieux: Rationalizing the negative is using a pessimistic mindset as a crutch. We shield ourselves from taking scary but potentially rewarding actions by talking ourselves out of trying. We might fear failure, or even success. We might tell ourselves that if we try, nothing will change, “they” won’t care, it won’t work. The list of reasons not to try goes on. It’s poisonous stuff. To overcome it, we can investigate our attitude: the way we dedicate ourselves to thinking.

Valuing learning brings strength. Wanting to feel comfortable is a roadblock to growth, because the best challenges are never the easy options. When we get clear about our values, we can motivate ourselves to get off the bench and into the game as communicators. Self-talk will be the first type of communication we revise when we stop rationalizing the negative. Next, our outward communication will become more creative, productive, and attractive to others.

Duncan: What role does emotional intelligence play in a person’s ability to communicate successfully?

Gladieux: Emotional intelligence helps us figure out what our personal best communication looks like and where we get hung up in pursuing it. It helps us recognize who in our world gets our best tries at skillful, authentic communication and who might be deserving or in need of our effort but not yet receiving it.

Duncan: What are some best practices people can employ for soliciting honest and specific feedback on their communication behaviors?

Gladieux: There’s an exercise I assign to individuals and teams from diverse backgrounds that’s often hugely beneficial to those brave enough to take it on. Here it is.

Ask some internal customers (people in your workplace) and external customers (people you serve) as well as a few people from personal life two questions:

• What’s something you like about communicating/living/working with me—what do I do well?
• What’s something you sometimes wish I’d do differently?

Don’t pressure people to respond. Express sincere gratitude to those who do. Stick to this short script: “Thank you, I’ll think about this!” and go do exactly that. What you learn is a gift. You’re investing in your future self and building relationships as you get a clearer picture of what it’s like to work or live with you.

Duncan: In terms of their own communication practices, what are some of the most common blind spots that hold people back?

Gladieux: There are four blind spots we can bring into view and act upon to shake free. We’ve already discussed Rationalizing the Negative, so let’s touch on the remaining three challenges.

They include Hiding from Risk, the fear we’re not good enough as we worry about exposing real or supposed weaker points. Defining to be Right happens when we’re so darn sure our viewpoint is correct—and maybe it is—but we’re quick to judge and thus miss competing viewpoints that could help us grow.

Finally, Settling for Good Enough is satisficing. It’s aiming for satisfactory results rather than optimal results as communicators. It’s choosing not to stretch as one’s modus operandi, and it’s the opposite of pursuing one’s potential. The potential rewards of our communication efforts are unknowable until we start taking a few baby steps towards improvement.

Duncan: How can a person outsmart the urge to settle for “adequate” communication skills when excellence can be attained?

Gladieux: We must decide that we want to see ourselves and others clearly and fully, then set a goal leverage communication skill to be of benefit to ourselves and others. Rather than settling, we become energized by the belief that there’s good stuff waiting on the other side of our courageous effort—something good, illuminating, and life-giving. Whatever those gifts are, they don’t come fully into view until we deviate from the safe route as communicators.

Duncan: What can leaders do to help foster an organizational culture that encourages people to communicate with courage?

Gladieux: Let’s walk the talk and acknowledge where we fall short. Many people and organizations use best practice buzzwords about openness, innovation, inclusion, and other terrific ideas, but then don’t operate that way. Decide what you stand for and communicate in pursuit of those goals.