If we find ourselves in the habit of practicing negative self-talk, over time we will internalize ... [+]
Yuri Kruman is an author, keynote speaker, executive coach, and an award-winning Chief Human Resource Officer (CRHO). He joined Negotiate Anything to talk about language, bias and how managing expectations (of ourselves and others) can help with difficult conversations in the workplace and beyond.
The Power of Words
Kruman begins by emphasizing the power that words have, not just on others, but also on how we come to perceive ourselves. Calling on his Jewish heritage, he supports this through references to the Old Testament, where in the Hebrew language, “word” and “thing” are labeled by the same word. To him, this signifies one important fact: our words ultimately create our reality.
“What you say, what you formulate becomes a thing,” Kruman explained, “so when we speak we create a reality.”
In addition to religion, he uses neuroscience to support this belief as well, by highlighting how certain neurons in our brains will light up when we come into contact with a familiar person, place, or even word. Essentially, the more familiar something is, the more we begin to resonate with it - oftentimes forming attachments between a particular idea and our own identity and beliefs.
His point: we need to be careful about the ways in which we speak to ourselves. If we find ourselves in the habit of practicing negative self-talk, over time we will internalize these beliefs, and begin to project these very ideas externally. The same can be said for constantly listening to negative or harmful language from others.
“We essentially internalize the feedback from other people onto ourselves,” Kruman shared. “There is a constant back and forth between what we have in our head (what we take in) and what we project.”
Biases Against Ourselves
The concept aligns well with the subject of bias. While a popular term in today’s conversations, we often overlook the biases that we have against ourselves, and the role this plays in navigating some of our most difficult conversations.
“A lot of biases that we have about other people are reflections of bias that we have about ourselves,” Kruman explained.
While it’s natural for our brain to form shortcuts (biases) based on the environments and cues we have consistently received, Kruman believes we must condition our brains to enter a higher cognitive state. Failure to do so could mean remaining stuck in frustrating dynamics, or even more simply, an inability to get the most out of important negotiations.
How to Negotiate at a Higher Cognitive Level
Put simply, the trick is to learn to take pause during some of your most important conversations. Doing so, especially during a negotiation, will give you the opportunity to consider what is being presented (or offered), consider your ultimate goals, and decide on an intentional response.
While this makes sense practically, slowing down can be difficult to do during difficult conversations, especially when emotions are running high.
To overcome this, Kruman recommends we remain focused on our own internal measures of success. He continued, “This has to be a game that you play with yourself. You are competing with yourself - that’s the most important takeaway.”
According to Kruman, this means setting realistic expectations with ourselves and getting clear about who you are, what your mission is, and the most meaningful goals you are seeking to achieve .
“Success is almost always a byproduct of doing those things - seeking clarity in your life, creating meaning, and showing impact through your work,” he shared.
The same is true when making expectations of others. In short, don’t.
Because we can never truly control the behaviors of others, Kruman believes that learning to expect nothing helps to restore our internal peace, as well as our faith in humanity.
“If you have absolutely nothing in this world, you can always control three things: your thoughts, speech and actions,” he reflected.
In getting clear on what we want, and the language we choose to speak (internally and externally) we have a greater chance of avoiding perpetual disappointment, but also of becoming confident negotiators who earn more of what they want.
Follow Yuri Kruman on LinkedIn to learn more. To listen to the full episode, click here.
