Social Jetlag: How To Recover And Reconnect

If you’re not feeling quite like yourself, you’re in good company. Many of the barriers, challenges and pain of the last three years are in the rear view, but you may not be feeling quite back to your best.

Many people are reporting they feel exhausted, fatigued and disoriented lately. They tire more quickly when they’re out, and they feel less connected with others. They say they’re exhausted by social events that used to energize them, or they’re more likely to feel anxious about being in groups.

You can think of these experiences as social jet lag. After being distant from others for so long, your muscles for social time, socializing and social connection may have atrophied. Like landing in another time zone, you must adapt, adjust and transition to the new landscape and re-orient yourself.

It's not your imagination—the struggle is real. But you can reset, regroup and get your bearings back.

The Struggles You Face

It’s likely you’re feeling a low level of something—restlessness, fatigue or lack of motivation—that isn’t quite like you remember yourself or quite as you prefer to be. When you can put your finger on the issue, it can be helpful—validating your experience and finding your way to a more comfortable version of yourself.

Disorientation

You may be feeling some disorientation. You drive around a familiar town and forget to make your usual right turn. Or you arrive at your destination and have that feeling that you’ve forgotten something. Or you run into a coworker and can’t remember her name.

Disorientation can take many forms, and of course you should seek professional help if they’re extreme. But these experiences can also be a natural part of transitioning back to more time in the office, new routines for commutes and child care and doing more activities.

The key experience is more. Chances are, you’re back to fitting more of your work and life into each day—and this process of adjustment can come with some new feelings of disorientation.

Exhaustion

You may also be feeling more tired, more of the time after less activity. People are saying they’re worn out after a shorter period in the office than they’d been used to in the past. Or they feel exhausted after a networking event that used to be a typical part of their week. In addition to doing more in a day or a week, you’re probably also including more diverse activities. You’re task-switching as you move from dropping off kids at school to showing up at the office, to participating in the business workshop and then to cheering on your niece at her soccer game.

This isn’t so different than your life before the pandemic, but it’s probably more diverse activity in one day than you’d been used to in the recent past. You’re resetting your capacity for task-switching and endurance in terms of the time and energy you’re expending.

Contraction

You may also feel more selective about your time—what you want to spend time doing and who you want to spend time with. A study by the Harris Poll found that people were prioritizing the friends, neighbors and relationships they valued the most. Many people have reported their social circles have contracted. The quantity of their relationships has been reduced, but the quality has increased.

You may have less interest in the big meet-and-greet event, you may want to leave earlier than you did in the past and you may gravitate toward the people you already know. This too is an example of social jetlag, where you’re adjusting and adapting and re-learning how to be in groups more often.

Tone Deafness

You may also need to work harder to tune into others. After being distant for so long, you may miss signals. You fail to notice your colleague’s unease, or you miss your customer’s cues.

You may also need to re-learn social norms in the office. If you’re doing calls on your speaker phone in your open office, you need to remind yourself about how your choices impact on others (think: distractions) and be more empathetic to others’ experiences. If you park your cart in the middle of the aisle in the grocery store so no one can get around you, you need to remind yourself about your impact on others.

Forgive yourself—and work to tune into those around you—as you get back into the thick of social systems.

Irritation

If you’re suffering from social jetlag, you may notice that you’re more likely to feel irritated about things that may not have bothered you in the past. Or you may experience greater levels of frustration than a situation warrants. Your coworker takes up too much space in your shared lockers, doesn’t return emails as quickly as you’d like or fails to invite you to the meeting. While these may have been slightly annoying before, they occupy more of your attention now.

This too is a symptom of the energy you’re expending to get back into the swing of things. Your brain is focused on adjusting and transitioning to new patterns in your life, leaving less energy to cope with day-to-day annoyances.

Responding and Refreshing

If you’re feeling social jetlag, it’s an indicator that you’re on the verge of something new. This is good news. You have an opportunity to transition, adjust and move forward positively. Here’s how.

• Reflect. You can help yourself through challenging times by reflecting. Ask yourself what concerns you, how you’re coping and what’s working well—and less well—in terms of your responses. Considering where you are is a critical first step to where you go from here.
• Validate. Also give yourself permission to be where you are. Take a deep breath (or two or three) and remind yourself of all you’ve been through. If you haven’t changed in the last few years, you may not have been paying attention. To experience stress is normal, and it’s good evidence you recognize that things are different, requiring more focus, attention and vigilance. Be patient with where you are.
• Envision. Paint a mental picture of who you want to be and how you want to cope. Envision yourself calm, caring and connected. Imagine the ways you tune in and express empathy for others. Imagine how you face trying situations with a high level of resilience. Envisioning yourself in aspirational terms can be terrifically empowering and it can increase your chances of success in developing your abilities to respond in your preferred ways.
• Embrace the Buddy System. It’s true that when you ‘hold hands and stick together’ you’ll achieve more and have a better time doing it. Be intentional about connecting with others. Be vulnerable and authentic about what you’re going through, ask friends about how they’re faring and offer a listening ear. All of these will help you get through.
• Tune In. Research on happiness finds when you focus on what you’re contributing, and when you reach out to others, you increase your own happiness. So pay attention. Turn off your device and tune into your friends, colleagues, neighbors and the strangers around you. Take time to greet the cashier or the barista. Watch for opportunities to be kind and express courtesy. All of these will get you on the path to becoming more oriented socially and feeling more joy.
• Take Control. You can also take back control where it’s possible. A big part of social jetlag is feeling out of control—of your schedule, your stress or all that you’re facing. Set boundaries with family, friends and coworkers. Set aside time on your calendar for focus during the day. Give a coworker constructive feedback if he’s failing to consider coworkers. Say no when you cannot fit something else in, and say yes when you’re enthusiastic about a project or opportunity—but be intentional about each.

New Landscapes

The good news about jetlag is that it means you’ve landed somewhere new—with opportunities to explore, learn and grow. And facing new challenges is correlated with greater happiness. So embrace your disorientation, knowing you can create the conditions for a bright future. You just need to adapt and adjust for today so you can embrace a terrific tomorrow.