What do you do when you have put in the work to successfully navigate your emotions, but your ... [+]
Emotion management is a necessary skill for anybody who plans to engage in a difficult conversation or negotiation. While more and more negotiators are appearing to embrace this skill, there are still plenty of people who still refuse to acknowledge (and properly deal with) their emotions during heated conversations. So, what do you do when you have put in the work to successfully navigate your emotions, but your conversation partner is committed to denying or avoiding theirs?
Compassionate Curiosity ®
For this scenario, we are going to default to the Compassionate Curiosity® Framework. Typically, the first step is to acknowledge and validate emotions. However, when the other person denies their emotional state, a slight adjustment in approach is necessary.
Instead of trying to empathize directly with their emotions, shift your focus towards understanding their perspectives. By identifying the root cause of their emotional response, you can still navigate the conversation with empathy and promote emotional regulation. Let’s consider a practical example:
Imagine you are collaborating on a project with a colleague who has been struggling to complete their assigned tasks. Concerned about their progress, you decide to check in with them. However, upon your inquiry, they immediately become defensive and hostile. At this point, it becomes clear that they are not comfortable discussing their emotions and are solely focused on completing the project.
In response, you can acknowledge their emotional state by saying something like, "I can tell that this situation has been really frustrating for you. Can you tell me a little bit more about what's been going on?" However, it is likely they will reject the notion of discussing their feelings, potentially even expressing a desire to solely focus on the project and avoid emotional conversations. Pushing further may lead to increased frustration or even a sense of disrespect.
To adapt your approach, explicitly acknowledge their preference not to delve into emotions and shift the conversation towards their perspective on the project. For instance, you can say, "Okay, I understand that you'd rather not discuss emotions and prefer to concentrate on the project. I respect that. Please share your thoughts and insights on the project." By acknowledging their desire to avoid emotional discussion, you demonstrate your respect for their boundaries.
As they explain their perspective, listen attentively, and summarize their thoughts to ensure understanding. Empathize with their viewpoint, showing that you genuinely comprehend their position. By adopting this approach, you are still utilizing the principles of Compassionate Curiosity® but directing your focus towards their perspectives rather than their emotions. This shift maintains the calming effect of Compassionate Curiosity® and promotes emotional stability, facilitating a more productive conversation for both parties involved.
When it comes to the difficult conversations in our lives, try to remember that the only thing you can control is yourself. Negotiating with someone who poor emotional regulation skills can be extremely challenging. This obstacle is only magnified by their resistance to working through the emotions in a productive way.
Regain control by shifting your perspective to one that is curious about theirs. Respect boundaries and ground yourself in the values you hope to bring to each engagement. This approach will allow for a more productive dialogue while also enhancing the potential for uncovering an effective solution.
