Too Much Empathy Is Damaging: 3 Ways To Get The Balance Right

There’s a lot of focus on empathy today, and empathy is a good thing, right? Mostly, yes. But it’s also possible for empathy to go too far, or for it to motivate the wrong kinds of actions and decisions. The key is to get the balance right—with plenty of empathy at the right times and informing the best outcomes—but not so much that it damages you, others or the community.

Clarifying Empathy

It’s important to start with clarity about empathy—that it has tremendous benefits which have been proven for people and business. From greater innovation and better leadership to increased engagement and work satisfaction, there is plenty to celebrate.

True empathy is feeling what another person feels. It is experiencing distress along with a coworker who is going through a hard time or feeling uncertain along with a colleague who is making a critical career decision. But empathy isn’t the same as caring, compassion or kindness. It is totally possible to feel caring toward someone and to express compassion or kindness without literally feeling their distress—to feel for rather than feeling as someone else is feeling. Of course, caring and compassion and kindness are fundamental to a healthy individuals, relationships and communities.

Too Much of a Good Thing

But too much empathy can be too much. Here’s why.

You’ll Burnout

One of the biggest reasons to manage your empathy is to ensure you don’t experience burnout. It would be tough to overdo kindness or compassion, but when you feel deeply for others, it can put a tremendous amount of stress on you. Experiencing your own tension as well as the pain, anxiety or trauma of others can be extreme. And it can compromise your own health—and also degrade your ability to give.

Find the Balance: Give thought to what people are going through (called perspective-taking), and pay attention to their challenges, but try not to take on their pain. Take action, reach out and help—but without owning their pressures or turmoil. These approaches will protect your own wellbeing, so you have the energy to continue being compassionate toward both yourself and others.

You’ll Make Poor Decisions

An interesting series of studies found too much empathy can get in the way of making decisions which take enough data into account—causing you to focus too much in one direction and leave out important additional information. For example, volunteers who heard about one person in need tended to want to help that person at the expense of others who were also in need.

In addition, when you feel connected with others, the brain chemical oxytocin can make you especially loyal to them. This is generally a good thing, but it can also make you distrustful and exclusionary toward those whom you perceive to be different or removed from your inner circle—setting up the conditions for bias or unfairness.

Find the Balance: Learn about situations which matter to you, and nurture your connections with others. But also seek plenty of information about contexts and conditions outside of one person or a small group of people—so you can make decisions which are good for the whole of a community and which are informed by broad perspective and knowledge. Continue caring for your people—and those who are closest—but also reach out to those who are different than you and get to know people outside your inner circle so you can be more generous and open-minded toward those who may be less familiar to you.

You’ll Be Less Effective

Another side effect of too much empathy is losing focus on all the other things which are also important. Great leaders are empathetic, but they also motivate vision and purpose, they hold people accountable, and they provide growth opportunities. Great teammates are empathetic, but they also provide new ideas, challenge the status quo and contribute their unique skills to a project.

Find the Balance: Embrace empathy, but also ensure you don’t over-focus to the exclusion of other important ways to bring your best. Identify how you can be most successful in your role. Prioritize the top five areas on which you want to focus—including empathy—and then ensure you’re putting effort toward the attributes which mean the most to you.

In Praise of Kindness

While empathy can have damaging effects, and while it’s important not to take it too far, acting with kindness, care and compassion toward others is a very good thing. When you put energy toward others and their welfare, of course you’re doing good things for the community. But in addition, you tend to be happier, more engaged and have a greater sense of esteem as well. This is because humans have an instinct to matter and contribute to the community.

When you volunteer at the food bank with your team, it’s a great for the community and you’re also building positive relationships with others. When you offer to help a colleague who is struggling with a project, you’re aiding in her success, but you’re also building your own skills. The most sustainable communities are those in which individual needs are met, and group needs are met as well—and where there is a terrific sense of satisfaction and harmony for both.

In Sum

Keep demonstrating empathy—but manage it as well—so you don’t burnout, make sub-optimal decisions or lose focus. Continue being compassionate and take ongoing action to contribute toward the group—knowing these are very good for you and also positive for the community as a whole.