Family Matters: How To Avoid Talking Politics Over Thanksgiving Dinner, In 5 Steps

One in five voters says political disagreements have hurt their relationships with friends or family, according to a new poll from The New York Times and Sienna College. And in a world where work/life balance is now just life, understanding how to communicate around sensitive political issues can provide vital guidance on how to address touchy subjects at work. Here’s why: Pew Research reports that nearly half of all Americans have stopped talking about politics with someone, as a result of something they said, either in person or online. Not surprising, when 85% of American voters feel misunderstood by voters on the other side. What happens when the “other side” is really just Uncle Tim from Topeka, sharing his polarizing opinions over mashed potatoes and pie? Since rudeness is on the rise, discussion without disagreement just might be the Thanksgiving recipe that every family needs.

Jamie Clayton, CEO of Oakland Family Services, says, “Don’t enter into a conversation where you’re going to disagree, if you don’t want to sit and listen to the other person’s point of view. A lot of the time, we’re not listening. We’re trying to come up with our own comeback. You can have discussions and you can disagree without being disagreeable.”

One way to avoid the confrontational conversation, according to Sally Plass, an Indiana-based specialist in manners and social graces, is to simply keep politics off the table. “There are certain things as a guest or host you shouldn’t bring up,” she shares. But what about the past posts and memes on social media? What then? When asked about political dialogue, people point to Facebook as an aggravating factor, a space where relationships and politics seemed to collide unavoidably.

“It’s like you’re walking down the street and you see someone holding up a stupid sign, but the person holding up that sign is someone you care about,” Nelson Aquino tells the New York Times, from his home in Orlando. “You want to be like, ‘Put down that sign and go home.’ And you start having these arguments.” Have you been there?

It’s a sign of our times: you can’t unring a bell. But just because you hear a bell doesn’t mean you have to do something to fix it, or try to change its tone. (In an unconfirmed holiday story, that bell may just mean that an angel gets his wings). Here are some ideas from the experts, on how to avoid arguments this Thanksgiving.

1. Reframe and Redirect - a simple agreement can help to shift perspectives, and redirect potential conflict. Can we agree not to talk about politics at dinner? Come together as a family and share beforehand that the dinner table is a safe space, and gain agreement so that there’s no misunderstanding. Consider topics that make more sense: what you are grateful for, what you appreciate most in your career and in other people, and what you value (outside of politically-charged issues) most in life. Isn’t there enough to discuss without debating election results for dessert?
2. Keep Calm and Carry On - What happens when Uncle Tim violates the prime directive, and brings politics into the conversation? Robert Carini is a sociologist at the University of Louisville. He suggests that if a friend or relative brings up politics just to get a reaction, remain calm. “One way to win an argument is to make someone lose it,” Carini tells the Louisville Courier-Journal. “Families are way too good at pushing people’s buttons. So don't let them." You can always choose how you react, even when your button is pushed. That pause is always possible, even at holiday gatherings.
3. Don’t Try to Win - Suzanne Degges-White, Chair of the Department of Counseling at Northern Illinois University, reminds us that attacking someone’s favorite sports team is not a battle you will ever win. So why try with someone’s political point of view? “You need to keep the conversation only about individual issues,” she says, pointing to an emotional and personal context to frame the conversation. “If you want people to see things from your side you need to connect it to a person’s emotions. For example, with the issue of equal pay for women — people are more likely to connect to the issue if you bring it down to their level. Say something like, ‘Now how would you feel if your daughter worked just as hard as a man in her office but was paid much less?’” Yet an even-handed approach will not guarantee an even-handed response. Dr. Vaile Wright, a researcher at the American Psychological Association, says, “Even if you are the best communicator in the world, you still may not get the outcome you want.” Are you ok with that? How bad do you need to win this one? If your answer is anything other than, “not at all”, pump the brakes on the political convo, and pass the gravy instead.
4. Avoid Labels and Characterizations - When you receive a response to your individually-focused questions, avoid labeling the conversation or the response. “I would expect that kind of narrow-minded reply, coming from you,” isn’t going to strengthen your relationship. “Most socialists/uneducated fools/racists/Boomers would respond like that, I see your point.” Yikes - full stop. Remaining neutral is the key, even when confronted with what might seem like outrageous beliefs and viewpoints. Are you there to fix Uncle Tim, or find out more about his point of view? If the answer is the former, and you can’t remain neutral about the latter, it’s time to change the topic of conversation.
5. Curious, Not Furious - Braver Angels is a New York-based organization dedicated to bridging the political divide in this country. Mónica Guzmán, author of I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times, shares in the Braver Angels podcast that curiosity is the key. She says that the political divide has become “a funhouse mirror” - with distortion and exaggeration at its core. “When you are judgmental, you can’t be curious,” she notes, “and when you are curious, you can’t be judgmental.” The only way to navigate these difficult conversations is through a detached spirit of curiosity, where learning is more important than fixing.

When we take sides over political issues, during family gatherings, we are creating the kind of division that we wish to eliminate. Just as you may not like broccoli, there’s no reason to engage in a dialogue that’s distasteful. Why would you serve something to someone else, if you know it’s going to get a negative reaction? Similarly, as you identify your own tastes, take time to respect the views of others. A respectful approach isn’t surrender, it’s wisdom. You aren’t forgetting your values, or your viewpoints - you are simply putting your attention on what matters most. Trying to change someone’s mind is a recipe for a fight, not the ingredients for a memorable holiday. Let go of the need to fix, to correct, to win. Focus on what matters most: keeping calm, staying curious, and reminding Uncle Tim that your relationship is much more important than who he voted for in the last election.