Surprisingly, most humans tend to underestimate how influential they can be, which leads to ... [+]
As a social psychologist and professor at Cornell, Vanessa Bohns has studied social influence for the past 15 years. Her area of focus: the gap between how individuals perceive their level of influence and reality. Surprisingly, most humans tend to underestimate how influential they can be, which leads to self-imposed limitations in business and life. Bohns joined Negotiate Anything to discuss her research and provide insights that will help all individuals get to “yes” a lot easier.
The Confidence Gap
Bohns’ research discovery came about in a fairly unpredictable way. As a research assistant at Columbia, she was asked to go down to Penn Station on a daily basis and collect survey responses from strangers. This was incredibly uncomfortable for her, and as it turns out, the data was ultimately unusable. This frustrated Bohns, as she had considered the experience -asking strangers for their participation- fairly “traumatic”. That said, despite her anxieties it turned out she had actually garnered quite a bit of participation.
“There was this disconnect between how I thought influence was happening and how I was experiencing this situation of asking for it,” Bohns shared.
Curious as to whether others experienced this same phenomenon, she (alongside a Columbia professor) began running additional studies. Participants would come into the lab, were assigned a task (asking strangers for random things), and then asked to guess how many people would say yes versus no.
The results: on average the majority of the participants underestimated their success rate by 50%.
Barriers to Understanding Our Influence
While these findings reveal a lot, they most prominently highlight the dangers of the confidence gap. In overestimating the likelihood of failure, many individuals are leaving opportunity on the table.
“You might negotiate yourself down before you actually ask for something,” Bohns elaborates. “We think other people’s default is to say no to us. We feel like we are getting past no.”
While the fear of rejection is natural, it actually causes us to risk more. Instead of coming into a conversation (or negotiation) and asking for what you want, you are more likely to ask for what you think you will get. In some cases, this may be fair, but oftentimes this means leaving the conversation with less.
Getting Around No
So, how should people overcome this phenomenon? Bohns says the trick is to focus on framing. As mentioned above, most people default to assuming their counterpart will say no. To frame the negotiation for better results, begin by assuming that the other person will lean towards saying yes.
This may be difficult to do at first, but try to remember what it’s really like for the other person. On the flip side of a request, many people are equally hesitant to say no. We tend to forget that when it’s our turn to ask.
Bohns expanded on this idea, “We have something call egocentrism - which is this difficulty with taking the perspectives of other people and putting ourselves in their position.”
For many, saying no can feel equally risky. Most people don’t want to jeopardize a relationship by appearing mean or selfish. While this knowledge shouldn’t be used to take advantage of others, it can be a keen reminder that “yes” is more likely than we initially believe.
Practical Tips for Increasing Your Yes
Beyond positive framing, Bohns has additional suggestions for increasing your odds of success in negotiations.
Ask for Things Directly
Most people will tend to lean towards being polite, with the consequence being a lack of clarity. If you are making a request, make it direct.
“We tend to think if we beat around the bush, we are being polite and equally effective, but it’s more effective to ask directly for the thing you want,” Bohns shared.
Choose Face-to-Face Communication
In modern society, email communication is a quick and convenient way to communicate. While this may be true, it’s not necessarily the best way to hear “yes.” If anything, the distance makes it easier for others to say no.
The bottom line: if you really want to hear yes, stick to face-to-face communication. It may be more uncomfortable in the moment, but chances of a successful outcome will be higher.
To learn more about Vanessa Bohns visit www.vanessabohns.com. To listen to the full episode, click here.
