Perfectionist woman aligning up pencils accurately on a glass table
Perfectionism is one of those traits that you can describe in your resume or job interview as both a weakness and a strength. On the one hand, it motivates you to excel at your results, but on the other, it can cause you unnecessary anxiety and even annoy people around you. So what can you do to get the best out of both worlds?
So first, who is a perfectionist? Perfectionists look for ways to be perfect or make no mistakes in their endeavors, especially at work or school. Therefore, they set high standards for themselves and may also set high standards for their family members or coworkers.
The pros and cons of perfectionism
The good side is that you strive for excellence, are committed to goals, and always work harder. You are very detail-oriented.
The wrong side is that your level of detail may never be good enough, so you keep on working for long hours. You are constantly frustrated, spending more time suffering from shortcomings than celebrating wins. You also avoid criticism and risks that could put you in a learning mode. The problem is that as “perfection” doesn’t exist; these high standards are usually unrealistic. When you try to achieve them, you get frustrated even if you get too close (like getting a second place in a competition or a 9 out of 10 evaluation). You rarely feel you are good enough.
Why are you a perfectionist?
Many perfectionists have:
- highly critical parents or parents who would set unrealistic expectations for them
- Feelings of being less than their siblings because their parents or other family members compare them or assign them roles within the family
- Distracted or overwhelmed parents (with work, stress, or other issues) who are not able to meet their emotional needs.
In most cases, perfectionists try to overcompensate to show they are good enough and gain approval and attention. This behavior makes you think your self-worth can only be improved by achieving and winning; if you don’t succeed or win, it damages your self-esteem. So, therefore, you work hard to show others that you are perfect. All you want is to be accepted and valued, and you think being perfect is the way to get there.
What can you do about it?
Being so hard on yourself doesn’t allow you to accept who you are. The good news is that you are not your achievements. Of course, there are things to work on, but that doesn't mean you will be more valued as a person because of that. Theodore Roosevelt would say, “People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Trying to be the best will not necessarily give you more friends. If your parents are critical or demanding, they will continue to be that way no matter what you do; it is on them to change their behavior, not yours.
Sharon Martin, perfectionism expert and author of “The CBT workbook for perfectionism,” recommends some tips on what you can do to love and care for yourself no matter your achievements:
1. Talk to yourself with compassion
Accept you can make mistakes and that mistakes are not the end of the world.
2. Reframe self-criticism
Notice when you criticize yourself. Challenge your negative self-talk by looking for facts or being more positive. For example, you may tend to generalize, like “I am always clumsy,” so try to identify what is true about it, talk to yourself explaining why you are clumsy in this particular moment or remind yourself about other positive traits.
3. Practice self-forgiveness
Forgive yourself by normalizing your mistakes. What is the benefit of punishing yourself for long hours? Perfectionists remind themselves how bad they are, which keeps them stuck in the past and worried about making the same mistake in the future. Learn from mistakes, grow and move on.
4. Focus on your strengths
instead of magnifying your weaknesses, identify your strengths and celebrate your wins every single day, no matter how small. I always recommend that you think about the three things you are grateful for at the end of your day to end on a positive note.
5. Put your suffering in perspective
This one is a particular tip I would like to add to Sharon’s list. Realizing a mistake is actually not the end of the world and that there are always new opportunities makes a difference in your thinking, but it is hard to get there until something meaningful helps you see it. Tennis player Roger Federer was a perfectionist and suffered with every defeat until his coach died. That event made him put winning in perspective “Any defeat in tennis is nothing compared to such a moment.”
Thinking about how perfectionism impacts your life today can help you realize if there is anything you can do to change from now on. Focusing on the process more than the progress and being more understanding and caring with yourself can make you see life differently and help you enjoy more the present time.
