Validate Before Trying to Persuade

Annette Simmons is the author of Whoever Tells the Best Story Wins: How to Use Your Own Stories to Communicate with Power and Impact. She wrote the book to help people bring storytelling back into their repertoire of persuasive tactics, and she offers many tips for telling better stories.

One of her most important ideas is about validating other people’s points of view before you try to influence or persuade them. Until you acknowledge where they are, you can’t ever get them to move off their territory. Simmons writes, “Humans hunger for validation. It doesn’t cost you a thing, and sometimes you get tangible concessions in return. Meanwhile, failing to validate another’s point of view can cost you twice the time, money, or effort you might otherwise spend influencing a person.”

Simmons calls stories that start with validation “I know what you’re thinking” stories. “Many arguments are fueled less by the ‘need to be right’ and more by the chronically unmet need to be heard and respected. That’s where I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking stories come into play. They overcome objections and allow you to tip your hat and show your audience respect.”

Telling good “I know what you’re thinking” stories starts with empathy. Put yourself in your audience’s minds. Are they skeptical of your credentials? Your knowledge? Your intent? Do they believe you might be trying to fool / scam / sell them something?

Or try accessing their deepest fears, hopes and dreams. Are they afraid they’re not good enough / brave enough / strong enough to change? What do they deeply admire and strive for? Where do they want to see themselves in a year? At the end of their lives? At the end of your presentation?

There are several versions of validation that work well. One is “I’ve been where you are.” “I’ve been where you are: broke and scared I wouldn’t be able to make the rent next month.” “I’ve been where you are: feeling stuck in a job you don’t like that feels like a dead end. Wondering if it’s even possible to do what you love and make a good living.”

You can also flip the “Who I am” story on its head to validate your skeptical audience. “I know what you’re thinking: who am I to give you financial advice?” “Who am I to promise you that if you do what I say, you’ll be happier and more fulfilled in your career?” “Who am I to tell you that I know about your marriage is in trouble and why you’re so unhappy?”

When you’ve let them know that you get them, they can relax their defenses and actually listen to what you have to say.

You can also win them over with stories about times you screwed up. Admitting – even enthusiastically reliving- your mistakes can humanize you and help people trust you more. “She’s made the same mistakes I’m making now, so maybe if I pay attention, I can get past this, too.” Or “Wow – she’s messed up even more than I have. If she can get to where she is now, maybe I can too.”

If you want to change hearts and minds, start with acknowledging what’s currently in their hearts and minds and letting them know you understand and respect it.