The most important thing to remember is that no matter the difficult and tense the conversation, you ... [+]
All of us have the potential to be faced with a particularly aggressive or triggering individual during negotiations. So how do we maintain relationships and move toward effective solutions when chaos and disrespect are present? Andy Prisco, crisis de-escalation expert and Founder of JumpStart Mastery, joined Negotiate Anything to help listeners understand their options in even the most difficult situations.
Remembering Your Agency
As an expert in the field of crisis de-escalation, Prisco has found himself in some of the most dangerous and violence scenarios. While the everyday professional may not have to defend against assault attempts or hostile communication, it’s common to be involved in conversations where a counterpart is insulting, triggering or presenting some type of threat.
The most important thing to remember is that no matter the difficulty, you have agency.
Prisco shared an incredible story to demonstrate that point. A client in a mental health facility had started a fire in his room, stolen a magnetic keycard from a guard and barricaded himself in a non-patient area with chemicals and a knife. Emergency services were called (including police with armor and rifles) but due to Prisco’s rapport with the client he was asked to intervene first.
How did it end? With Prisco civilly walking the client to a patrol car. If he can achieve a peaceful resolution against all odds, imagine what you can do in you next difficult conversation.
The Approach: Facing the Unexpected
So, what could Prisco have said to coax this individual from violent and defensive to civil and amenable? According to him, his approach relies in four critical elements: issue validation, refer to a shared policy or rule, propose a choice, and describe how it serves them.
Issue Validation
Much of Prisco’s approach has its roots in Polyvagal Theory (nervous system regulation).
“When somebody presents something unexpected, that does something biologically in the limbic system,” he explained. “When we are in triggered states, our capacity to engage in diversity of thought is diminished.”
Because of this, it’s important to anchor the conversation in validation, especially if your counterpart is particularly hostile. In making them feel seen and heard, you reduce the perception that you are a threat.
Refer to a Shared Policy or Law
With this step, the goal is to move the conversation away from me vs. you and into me and you vs. a policy/rule that we both have to follow. The theory here is that you are now leveraging the validation you established into a collaborative relationship.
“We begin to reframe the relationship – this isn’t about me vs. you,” Prisco shared. “This is about us and a shared value system - us and a law. Us and a rule.”
This step also presents your counterpart with the opportunity to shift their way of thinking – to demonstrate diversity of thought. Oftentimes, people who are in an extremely aggressive or hostile state of mind are viewing the situation through a limited perspective. In the most extreme scenarios or crises, this isn’t necessarily something they can control.
“You’re influencing somebody to get out of their limbic state and get into evolved brain function,” Prisco stated.
Propose a Choice & Describe How It Serves Them
The trick here is to present two choices: one that leads to a positive outcome for the counterpart, and one that does not.
In the above example, Prisco was careful to remind the patient that if they worked with him, he could safely get them out of the situation and back into some form of support. If the patient didn’t comply, he could get hurt and possibly face even harsher consequences in the future.
In our more ordinary negotiations, a strategy may be to highlight how difficult and stressful ongoing conversations will be, and how coming to a resolution sooner will mean peace of mind for all.
The Importance of Self-Regulation
When engaging in particularly tense negotiations, it’s important to remember that regulating your own emotions is the best thing you can do. Being yelled at, disrespected or even assaulted can be incredibly triggering for most people.
Try to remember that the other person is not communicating from a clear state of mind, and that your ultimate goal is to weaken the barriers so that a positive outcome can emerge.
Prisco elaborated on the importance of self-regulating emotional triggers, “If you’re being heavy handed at the negotiation table and it starts to feel like I may lose something (even respect), I have responsibilities in that millisecond to suspend reactivity to those things so that I can stay focused on what I gotta do.”
Follow Andy Prisco on LinkedIn or learn more about his work by visiting www.jumpstartmastery.com. To listen to the full episode, click here.
