A Coaching Power Tool By Tammy Cheung, Life Transitions Coach, UNITED KINGDOM
The Fixated vs. Flowing Power Tool
Having studied Psychology in university, I have always been intrigued by the concept of “flow” – a mental state in which you are completely absorbed in an activity, giving you such immense enjoyment that you do not notice time passing.
“Flow” can also be associated with a popular expression – “go with the flow”. Some say that the idea originated from Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher, Marcus Aurelius, who once wrote:
Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away.
Indeed, life is like a winding river where we experience many changes and transitions – whether it is starting a new career, having new friends and relationships, or adopting a new lifestyle.
While developing this power tool, I reflected on my personal experience with transition – relocating from Hong Kong, my home for almost three decades, to start a new life in the United Kingdom.
There are two contrasting perspectives I would like to introduce: Fixated vs. Flowing. I will explore how we can apply these perspectives in navigating the in-between periods of our lives, and use them in coaching to support clients in facing the challenges of transition.
The Role of Memories
As humans, our ability to form and retrieve memories plays a significant role in our survival and daily life – such as learning new things, making decisions, and forming personal relationships.
Memories are also important for the understanding of ourselves. As we grow, our brain creates a story from our experiences and over time a sense of self develops (Hull, 2018). We remember the good choices and positive parts about ourselves, for example, “I helped a friend with her homework”, or “I did really well on the unexpected test today”.
Fixated vs. Flowing Definitions
Fixated
In some cases, we may find our memories inhibiting us from moving forward.
One thing that makes transitions challenging is that the start of something new is usually accompanied by letting go of certain parts of ourselves – parts that were familiar or comfortable in our memories.
In our career, this may be taking up a new line of work, with duties different from the ones we were confident performing. In a relationship, it can be saying goodbye to people that we fall out of love with, or even the opposite – moving in together, or getting married, which involves entering a higher level of commitment.
We may occasionally find ourselves reminiscing and longing to go back to the “good old days”.There is no harm in reminiscing about the way things were from time to time, but like many other mindsets and behavioral patterns, we need to be aware of how the reminiscence may be serving or limiting us. When we are too fixated on old memories, holding on to expectations or beliefs formed in the past, we may hold ourselves back from living in the moment and embracing new experiences in our current reality.
Old is Gold?
Psychologists Lisa Watt and Paul Wong studied reminiscence and its functions. They developed a taxonomy of six types of reminiscing (Wong & Watt, 1991), which has been used in research on different people when they relate to their life stories. Out of the six types of reminiscing, two of them are relevant to our discussion today:
Escapist Reminiscing: Those Were the Days
Focusing on the good old days, and how wonderful they were in comparison to the present. It is often marked by boasting and exaggeration of “good memories”; glorifying past achievements and enjoyment. It can serve as a short-term coping mechanism for difficult events but is generally not constructive.
Instrumental Reminiscing: You Take the Good, You Take the Bad
Acknowledging the past as it is – recognizing and not downplaying the fact that life can come with failures, problems, and tragedy, but regard them from the viewpoint of what one has done in response. This type of reminiscing focuses on goals, plans, and methods for overcoming problems in the past. This enhances feelings of strength and competence.
From the above, we see that looking back on memories and experiences in the past can actually play an important role in helping us adapt to changes in our environment. The key is in how we engage with our memories. Engaging in more instrumental reminiscing has been proven to help with the challenges of transition by bringing up coping strategies in the past that may be helpful in the present.
This brings us to the opposite perspective – Flowing.
Flowing
The perspective of “Flowing” challenges us to embrace all that life has to offer as it comes; acknowledging that with the highs we need to take the lows, like the ebbing and flowing of tides.
To be flowing entails letting go of past experiences, embracing new adventures, and being open to new learnings. It does not mean that we need to completely detach from our past experiences; rather, we acknowledge the important milestones of the past, our role in making those decisions and creating those moments that brought us here today. We then choose the parts we can bring with us as we move forward, and the parts that would be better left behind.
In more practical terms, this means gathering insights from past experiences to develop resilience and strategies to thrive in our new environment.
Bear in mind that even when we are “flowing”, we may still carry worries and self-doubts. It is not about moving forward with completely no fear but shifting our focus from the uncertain aspects of the future to the things that we have control over. It is about staying curious amid uncertainties and having confidence in our ability to navigate the challenges ahead even when we are afraid.
Coaching on Transitions
When clients come to us for coaching on transitions, it is important to first acknowledge their courage in stepping into uncertainties – and that they are proactively reaching out to invite more accountability in their lives.
When clients dwell on past experiences or beliefs which impacts their perception of the present circumstances, they may be viewing things from the “fixated” perspective.
As their coach, we can hold space for them to express the emotions or attachments they still carry for the past. We can then invite them to bring their focus back to the present – to adopt the perspective of “Flowing”, and identify the possibilities in their current reality.
Here are some sample questions that may be helpful for this exploration process. They can be adjusted according to the context of the client’s situation.
Visualizing and Grounding Intention
- Imagine you could fast forward to a time in the future when things are going exactly the way you want – how would it look like?
- Why is it important for you to reach this state?
- How would you like to feel?
Honouring the Past
- How do you currently feel about the (transition)?
- What do you think those feelings are telling you?
- How was your previous experience with the transition?
- What were your strengths or skills that helped create the milestones in your life?
- What may you need to let go of to move forward now?
Looking Forward
- What are you looking forward to in your new environment?
- What are the possibilities in your new environment?
- How may you apply the insights from previous successes to your situation now?
- What may be challenges you have to overcome to get to your desired state?
- What are some things you have control over?
- What kind of support or resources can you leverage?
- What is one small thing you can do now, to move you a little closer to your goal?
Fixated vs. Flowing Perspective
In this world where change is relentless, navigating transitions is a skill comparable to knowing how to adjust a boat’s sails at sea. By supporting our clients to shift from a Fixated to a Flowing perspective, we can empower them to sail forward with more ease and confidence.
References
BookBrowse. (n.d.). Go with the Flow. Retrieved October 9, 2023, from
Hull, K. (2018). The crucial role of memory in creating identity and a positive sense of self. Hull Counseling.
How Memory Works. (n.d.). Harvard University Online Resources. Retrieved November 1, 2023
Cappeliez P, O’Rourke N, Chaudhury H. Functions of reminiscence and mental health in later life. Aging Ment Health. 2005 Jul;9(4):295-301. doi:10.1080/13607860500131427.