A Case Study By Evgenia Gissinger, Life Coach, SWITZERLAND
Reframing a Perspective From Significance to Lightness
I had a session with the client Emilie. She was very confused about her relationship with Alex, her ex-boyfriend becoming her employee and a friend. Their relationship was one one-way relationship. She was the initiator of their meetings, cared for him, and supported him and the helper. This relationship lasted for 15 years. Emilie started the Coaching studies with FCA and was trying to make her life easier, calmer, structured, organized, and focused.
Emilie’s feelings were very confused. She didn’t know what to do, or how to continue this relationship. On one side it was a 15-year long-lasting relationship, on the other side she had this bitter feeling of offense that she was the only person who did all the job. She was constantly asking herself if she should keep this person in her life.
After the exploration part identification of the underlying belief and uncovering her real beliefs and needs, she could find the action plan for her future happy life. She was really respectful person. Respect for Alex as a person after all these 15 years was one of their values. But on the other hand, he offended her feelings. This session was very emotional for me as a coach
From Significance to Lightness Case study
At the beginning of the coaching session, I set the session agreement:
- Goal of the session: how to proceed with this relationship with Alex. She wanted to know what to do: stay friends or only work together with colleagues.
- Measures of success: Emilie would feel relaxed, easy, focused, and not confused and struggle anymore about this relationship.
- What makes it meaningful for the client at the moment (motivation): 15 years of relationship, made Alex a very important person for Emilie. She didn’t like this relationship anymore. She wanted harmony in her life because at that moment she was worried about it. She wanted to understand what she wanted.
The client’s beliefs needed to be addressed to achieve the goal: She needed to value Alex after 15 years of relationship. She wanted to act ethically and respectfully after all.
I partnered with the client to create a safe, trustful, and supportive environment that allows the client to share openly the situation and her thoughts. After the agreement was established the exploration part of the coaching session started. When she was talking her face was tense and quite sad. It seems that this relationship was very important for her. She wanted to value Alex, but she couldn’t find any reason why to do it. The only reason was the 15-year relationship. She repeated it a few times. Emilie was sharing all her worries and concerns about that one-way relationship. Whenever she was saying:” I want to understand, what I want. Do I need this relation? Should I only keep a boss-and-employee relationship?” Emilie’s face smiled, there was a shift of energy. I shared this observation with her and asked what she thought about it. This observation opened such insight for her, which she was keeping to herself for so many years.
Emilie shared: “I think I don’t need this relationship. It is sad. It is not the relationship I want to have! This person is not a friend I want to have. I can keep him only as an employee!”
Power Tools1 – Reframing the Perspective
She had a respect for this person. Emilie wanted to be ethical with him. On the other hand, she suffered from this relationship which was not respectful from Alex’s side. Emilie gave a big significance to this situation. We shifted our focus to frame Emilie’s’ current perspective using Power Tool cards.
Emilie took a moment to carefully review all the cards and ultimately chose SIGNIFICANCE as her current state of mind. She took time to read what was written on the card.
“The significance we give to happy events in our life is empowering. We relive the moments so we can hang on to the joyful feelings.”2
Looking forward to finding a new, more empowering perspective, Emilie reads the LIGHTNESS card.
“That soul-nourishing moment is choosing lightness. Even in the grimmest of situations, where so many factors are beyond our control, we can choose how much ‘light’ to let in; and how much to let a problem weigh us down. We can simply say, ‘At the present moment in time, I choose to give this lightness.’ Lightness is not negation or denial; it doesn’t mean you don’t care, or are unable to recognize serious situations, it is more about being free from the past while walking into your present. Lightness creates a space for a different emotion and with that may come to rest, creative thinking or mindful acceptance”.2
As soon as the significance was flipped by lightness my client felt much lighter. Emilie let it go. The situation started to become from the observer’s side and not the actor’s side.
After this reframing and flipping it, the solution came so fast to her head. She decided to not initiate any meetings, no “missing”. She understood that she was doing her job and he just was talking and did no actions at all these 15 years of relationship.
After this awareness, Emilie said a loud “Ouf” and took a deep breath with a nice smile on her face. When I asked her about this behavior and smiled, she replied that she was feeling good now. “She will keep him as an employee and it is very ethical!”
When I looped back to the goal of the beginning of the session and asked “Where she was? And how does she feel”, regarding the goal of the session, Emilie answered that she had clarity and easiness, she was focused and not confused anymore about this relationship.
Then in order to facilitate client growth and to transform learning and insight into action, I have asked:” What structure could she put together in place to make sure she will commit to the outcome of this session and to guarantee the commitment?” She answered, that as soon as she talked to him, she would let him know about her decision keeping only a professional relationship. And she decided to keep her distance. Then I asked: «What else could she do?” to make sure, she explored all possible modes of action steps. Emilie replied, that she would be strong and would remind herself of this decision and would not melt. I asked about the best methods of accountability for herself. She was saying that she would be very determined about her decision and would remember that.
During this dialogue, I noticed that she was touching her breasts with both hands. I have shared this observation with her and asked about her thoughts on this. She took some time to think and then she realized, that she would need to take care of herself, put herself in the first place, and protect herself. I have acknowledged Emilie for her great work on understanding herself during this session and for the awareness she made of this relationship with Alex.
Then I asked her about obstacles she could have on her way in order to achieve her goal. She answered very bravely: “Nothing. Only melting.” At that same moment, she was touching the front hand with the other hand, like the sign of the chains on her hand. I have shared the observation and asked what she thinks about it.
She didn’t realize this gesture at all during the talk. She answered that maybe this gesture comes from stress. I asked if I could share my intuition on this movement and pronounced the word CHAINES. Emilie answered: “It is a big awareness today! He was keeping me for 15 years! I need to open these chains! It is enough!”
Then I acknowledged Emilie on her progress that day.
We confirm that the actions she identified during our session are relevant and powerful steps. She also decided to capture them in the FlipIt2 worksheet to serve as a reminder of his commitments to herself when necessary.
I have asked if there are other areas in her life where she is not happy with the quality of the relationship and she still keeps it, like a certain pattern. She replied, that she has a similar relationship with other employees in her company and that she will use this learning to solve this one-way relationship.
I asked he how could she celebrate the progress and new learning. She answered, that she would celebrate by being relieved from this difficult and confused relationship.
At the end, I asked Emilie how she would like to complete this session. She was complete and happy with the outcome of the session.
She was feeling good. She felt a relief. She had a smile on her face. Her body language was different compared to the beginning of the session. She was calm and her hands were one on the top of the other and the head on the top of her hands. It was so nice to see this progress.
Conclusion
This session was emotionally very powerful for me. It was full of body language gestures, energy shifts, and changes of behavior. Emilie was doing great work in her life and her body unconsciously was helping her to do the change process for a better future. As she wanted to have an easy, focused, and clear situation regarding this relationship with Alex which lasted for 15 years, she could do it during one session. It was very impressive and very brave on her part.
For me as a beginner coach, it was very appreciated to have this kind of powerful session and to have a chance to help my client so fast and efficiently. She could improve her life so progressively.
After the session, Emilie shared that she felt very safe and in an open and not judged environment during the session.
Emilie could let go of this difficult relationship.
“Letting go means that you are brave enough to let something or someone walk away from your life. It means that you have the courage to take away from your heart what is killing you on the inside because you want to live again, and this time you want to live for the person you are and the one you want to be. It means leaving behind what is usual and comfortable — even if those are not always in our best interest — and branching out to what might feel odd at first. Sometimes it feels easier to stay put and not take the chance. I can see how letting go might have an impact on our well-being and in turn our mood.”3
Actually few weeks later, Emilie shared with me that Alex made an important professional mistake and she could fire him from the company and feel ethical and respectful. The goal was achieved very quickly.
To conclude on this study case during this session I could practice as a coach all main competencies:
- Partners with the client to create clear agreements about the coaching engagement for the coaching session.
- Partners with the client to create a safe, trustful, and supportive environment that allows the client to share freely.
- Ability to be fully conscious and create a spontaneous relationship with the client, employing a style that is open, flexible, and confident.
- Focuses on what the client is and is not saying (body language, behavior and gestures change, energy shifts) to fully understand what is being communicated in the context of the client systems and to support client self-expression.
- Facilitates client insight and learning by using tools and techniques such as powerful questioning, silence, metaphor, or analogy. I was using silence a lot because I could feel that Emilie was processing a lot on this relationship and she needed time to share it. The topic was very emotionally charged. I could also share my observations and intuitions, which could lead to such a powerful insight and awareness of the client.
- Partners with the client to transform learning and insight into action. Promotes client autonomy in the coaching process. The action plan that Emilie established during the session gave her a positive intention for the future. She could identify other areas in her life where she is using the same pattern as in this nonsatisfied relationship with Alex. This pattern of not caring for herself, not protecting her privet boundaries, and not putting herself in the first place created this long, very long 15-year one-sided relationship, from which she suffered all these years. And this feeling of the offense hopefully will be replaced by the life experience in the future.
- I could practice the Flipit tool to go from the Significance (being a stacked state in the client’s belief) to the Lightness (no attachment, let it go) state of the soul. Emilie let go of this toxic, one-way relationship.
- With this, I could acknowledge all the work of the ICA and the mentor coaches who teach us and share their knowledge and expertise on coaching. This education transforms for the better my life and the lives of my clients.
Thank you for that!
I absolutely believe that people, unless coached, never reach their maximum potential.– Bob Nardelli
References
Power Tools – © International Coach Academy
FlipIt – © International Coach Academy
THE ART OF LETTING IT GO: How true is the statement “If you love something you should let it go”? Kindle Edition