A Coaching Power Tool By Esther Lam, Gen Z Coach, Young Millennials Coach, Cross-Cultural People on the Move Coach, SWITZERLAND
Affirmation vs. Oblivion: An “Aha Moment”
This coaching power tool “Affirmation vs. Oblivion” was first inspired by an “Aha moment” in one of my peer coaching sessions. I noticed the sea change of moods, perspectives, and a sense of agency and hope emerging from my client after that “Aha moment.” The change was prompted by questions I asked the client about how much she had done/how far she had gone while my client was focusing on what more she needed to do and how much longer she had to go concerning that particular topic we discussed. I have since further developed and refined this tool and applied it in other coaching sessions. So far, it has proven to be helpful in supporting my clients to shift their perspectives and empowering them.
Affirmation vs. Oblivion Definition
Oblivion
In the context of this coaching power tool, oblivion refers to the general unawareness of one’s efforts, progress, and achievements, as well as available resources and support. It is not the same as invalidation or negation. We cannot invalidate or negate something, of which we are not even aware. Being oblivious to progress made and support/resources available, however, can have similar limiting consequences, leading to efforts and progress not being recognized, acknowledged, and/or celebrated.
Many factors account for the oblivious state of mind described above. Perfectionism[1], hustle culture[2], a utilitarian worldview[3]and its impact on relationships (tend to be transactional), personal identity and value (commodification, my self-worth is determined by my achievements/usefulness), just to name a few. For example, perfectionists tend to focus on what could have been done better, hence making them oblivious to the efforts, good work, and progress achieved. For those with perfectionistic tendencies, good is never good enough. Of concern is that in the past three decades, perfectionistic tendencies have increased substantially among young people. Greater academic, and professional competition and the omnipresence of social media and social comparisons are believed to have played a role.[4]
The negative consequences, on oneself and others, of this limiting perspective are aplenty. They include inter alia, lack of acknowledgment and compassion, negative/glass-half-full thought patterns, fear of failure, procrastination, anxiety, confusion, being overwhelmed and incapacitated by the challenges ahead due to the inability to validate what has been achieved and how far one has come, the motivation being driven by guilt and fear thus leading to burnout and lack of joy, inability to recognize and celebrate incremental gains, progress or success, burnout, ingratitude to oneself and others, unable to appreciate and give credit to oneself and others, hence becoming demanding and appearing to take things/people for granted.
Affirmation
The flipside of oblivion in this power tool is affirmation. Affirmation refers to a state of mind that recognizes, acknowledges, and appreciates efforts, progress, and achievements as well as available resources and support. It goes beyond awareness, which is a necessary precondition for affirmation because we cannot recognize, celebrate, or draw strength and support from something, of which we are unaware. This flipped perspective is characterized by self-awareness, a positive, and often also more accurate, assessment of internal and external factors (not to be confused with complacency), self-motivating, validating, and acknowledging, an encouraging, uplighting, empowering outlook that leads to lightness, curiosity, celebrating and credit-giving, a growth mindset, taking failure as a step towards success, self-confidence, a sense of agency and hope, resourcefulness, and resilience.
In addition to mindfulness and self-awareness, making gratitude an intentional and regular practice can be conducive to cultivating an affirming perspective, which is beneficial to our happiness, physical and mental health, and personal, relational, professional, and spiritual growth. As evidenced in positive psychology and neuroscience, a gratitude-driven affirmation can shape our thought patterns, enabling us to adopt a positive outlook and a glass-half-full perspective, thus sustaining and empowering us to overcome challenges and setbacks and persevere in reaching our goals. A growth mindset, characterized by the willingness to embrace challenges and imperfection, taking failures and criticisms as steps towards success and growth, also contributes to an affirmation perspective.
Sample Questions for This Power Tool
When using this coaching power tool, the following questions can be useful in helping clients shift perspectives from oblivion to affirmation:
- Imagine if tackling this project/issue is like embarking on a hiking journey, how far have you traveled? How much ground have you covered?
- Please share one progress/effort that makes you proud or pleases/encourages you
- What resources/support are available to you?
- How do you feel about the achievement/progress so far?
- How do you acknowledge and affirm yourself/others for what you/others have done?
- What progress do you want to celebrate?
- How do you celebrate this progress to motivate you?
- How does the outcome of this endeavor affect your self-worth or define who you are, if at all?
- How does the trial-and-error approach help you achieve your goals?
- What do you feel thankful for so far in this work/experience/project?
- What has worked well in your experience?
- How can this help you in the future?
Helping Clients to Shift from Oblivion vs. Affirmation
Two examples stand out in my coaching experiences that illustrate the benefits of shifting from oblivion to an affirmation perspective. In the first example, a caring teacher was helping a student who had no parental support, care, or guidance. The teacher (my client) started the coaching session feeling overwhelmed as the student’s needs were great and multifaceted. My client also experienced anxiety as she was uncertain about the student’s future including longer-term accommodation and financial support, in addition to the emotional, and social needs and academic guidance. As my client listed what more needed to be done for the student, I acknowledged her caring heart and deeds, going far beyond the call of duty, and asked her to share what she had already done for this student and their impact on the student’s life.
As my client started to share what she had done and how far she had gone for this student, I observed a shift in her emotions and perspectives: from significance (heaviness) to lightness, from being overwhelmed by the daunting challenges ahead to feeling motivated by the good progress achieved, from being confused by the multiple tasks ahead to a sense of clarity feeling empowered to do the part she is good at (and not everything), from a limiting thought that she must meet all the needs to a mindset of resourcefulness in identifying and enlisting others to join efforts to support the student, from being anxious about the future of this student to letting go of the outcome and focusing on what was within her control and realm of influence. At the end of the session, my client was able to make a list of other possible resources of support and identify steps to connect them with her student. She became aware of what she had done for the student, was able to acknowledge herself and her efforts, and celebrated the improvements in the student’s life. She became grateful that she was able to provide timely support for this student in dire need and regardless of what might happen next, she was able to celebrate the progress made. She made a moving and empowering analogy about her role vis-à-vis the life of this student at the end of the session: I am (my client) the conductor, connecting and directing other musicians (sources of support) to support the student and trust that the student’s life would turn out to be a beautiful piece of music.
Feedback
When sharing feedback, my client told me that she was so focused on what needed to be done that she was totally oblivious to what she had already done and achieved. This lack of awareness, inadvertently leading to the invalidation of her efforts and achievements, made her easy prey to guilt and anxiety, feel overwhelmed by the student’s daunting needs and a sense of inadequacy in meeting those needs, thinking she alone was there to meet all the needs. She shared that the “Aha moment” came when she started considering my question about what she had already done. It shifted her perspective and provided her with a sense of agency, overcoming the fear of failing this student in times of need and feeling empowered to do what she could.
The second example concerns a client who was afraid of travel, in particular being in an airport due to her special needs. When we started the session, my client was anxious and overwhelmed by all the things she needed to do to prepare for her travels. As I asked her what she had prepared already and what sources of support were available to support her during the trip, her emotions and perspectives shifted: From anxiety to reassurance that she had prepared a lot already, from oblivion to the support her caring partner provided her whenever they traveled together to acknowledging his kindness (and being a seasoned traveler) and being grateful for his support. When providing feedback, my client shared that by focusing on what needed to be done, she was oblivious to her resourcefulness and the preparations she had done already. The most valuable insight from the session for her was the realization that she had a caring and supportive partner, especially during travels, which she did not acknowledge or affirm due to her oblivion (to the extent of taking him for granted). She decided to express gratitude to her partner after our coaching session and would apply the same mindset of resourcefulness and gratitude for her future travels.
References
Colosi P.J., Christian Personalism versus Utilitarianism: An Analysis of Their Approaches to Love and Suffering. Linacre Q. 2020 Nov; 87(4):425-437
International Coaching Academy modules and materials
Lauren Kemp, Gen Z: The Quiet Quitters – Saying No to ‘Hustle Culture,’ 10 January 2023, J2K Financial Recruiting
MarijaDraženović, VukušićRukavina, and Lovela Machala Poplašen, Impact of Social Media Use on Mental Health within Adolescent and Student Populations during COVID-19 Pandemic: Review, International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 15 February 2023
Perfectionism, Psychology Today
[1]Perfectionists tend to set unrealistically high expectations for themselves and others, and are overly critical, focusing on flaws and mistakes. See, for example, Psychology Today, accessed on 15 December 2023
[2] Work always demands more, alternatively called “burnout culture,” see for example, “Gen Z: The Quiet Quitters – Saying No to ‘Hustle Culture,’ Lauren Kemp, 10 January 2023, J2K Financial Recruiting, accessed on 14 November 2023
[3] An individual is valued for what s/he has to offer, instead of who s/he is as a person. See, for example, Colosi P.J., Christian Personalism versus Utilitarianism: An Analysis of Their Approaches to Love and Suffering. Linacre Q. 2020 Nov;87(4):425-437, accessed on 15 December 2023
[4] Op.cite, Psychology Today