A Coaching Power Tool By Leslie Dorrans, Health & Wellness and Executive Coach, UNITED STATES
Programmed vs. Present in Coaching
The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.~ Maya Angelou
How often do we take on narratives about ourselves that we never fact-check? How often do we completely believe something about ourselves that we just assume is part of our DNA, our personality, or ‘how we were raised’? How often are we so sure of this narrative that friends and family would include it when describing us?
Think about something in your life that you truly believe about yourself. Here are some ideas: I am not an organized person, I’m not creative, I am a horrible test taker, I am not a good dancer/not coordinated, I am not cut out for cooking, I’m lazy, I talk too much, I don’t have enough friends, I am too old, I am too young, I do not have enough time, I don’t have a green thumb, I am not a good public speaker, I don’t have enough experience. I am sure you relate to at least one of these. I know I do. Raising awareness around these narratives can help us to see what is programmed and limiting and what is present and empowering.
What Is the Difference Between Programmed vs. Present?
Programmed
From birth, we have been programmed. This comes from our culture, parents, friends, siblings, and even ourselves. “Programming occurs as a result of repeated actions or messages. This programming creates your beliefs, your beliefs guide your actions, and your actions create your reality.”1 When we do not have awareness around whether these narratives are helping or hurting us, we live in a programmed existence where we accept these narratives as truth.
Present
The present is all about awareness, personal responsibility, and willingness. When we encounter a narrative about ourselves, carefully questioning the outcome of this belief is important. Creating an environment where we can enter into this type of reflection is key to being present (for example, working with a coach). Progressing towards more present beliefs is an empowering existence that creates more positive outcomes.
My Perspective on Programmed vs. Present
I chose the power tool, programmed vs. present because I see how it has shown up in so many coaching sessions. There is incredible power behind our beliefs and the effects they can cause. “Beliefs are invisible yet potent drivers of behavior and decision-making.”2 They affect all of our choices, our emotions, our fears, and our ambitions. I think if we all truly understood how powerful our beliefs were in creating our present moments, we would spend more time investigating and questioning them.
Personally, my beliefs about myself have created my reality. Prior to five years ago, I believed that I had very little willpower when it came to my eating habits. From a very early age, I was attracted, much more than average, to food, especially food with excess sugar, fat, or salt. As I got older, I believed I was just someone who did not have the discipline that others had around their food; and thus, I was destined to be overweight.
This was my belief for 45 years until I was introduced to the concept of food addiction. With coaching and gaining awareness around this belief, I saw my lack of discipline/low willpower narrative for what it was… B.S. (a Belief System). This was absolutely a programmed belief that was not serving me well. I have since adopted a new belief which has driven me towards significant weight loss and maintenance of that weight loss for over 5 years now. I now choose to keep present in this area of my life and watch carefully for old programmed beliefs that like to sneak in occasionally.
Programmed vs. Present – Client Session Example
A client presented with a belief that she wasn’t a morning person and she wanted to walk away with a list of items she could work on so that her ‘grumpiness’ in the morning wasn’t causing negative effects in her life. Historically and consistently throughout her life, her family and employers have brought up her lack of congeniality in the mornings as something she needed to work on.
Upon some questioning around her belief of not being a morning person, she provided quite a bit of evidence that she truly believed that she should not do anything important, communicate, or be with others until after 10 o’clock in the morning. She also had people in her life who were bought into this story. She said, “Just ask my parents, my husband, my kids and my best friend, they’ll all tell you, I’m not a morning person.” She had a very solid and strong narrative that this was ‘just how she was built’.
I asked her to talk to me about how this concept of her ‘not being a morning person’ was helping and/or hurting her. Interestingly enough, there was nothing on the helping side of her argument and many items on this belief that were hurting her. It was a very clear-cut limiting belief. We explored when and where this belief came into existence in her life which led to more awareness and even some other programmed beliefs.
I asked my client one question. This is a question I use a lot when helping a client shift perspective. I have found that people really connect to it and it has always started the wheels turning for clients usually leading toward some big shifts. After reflecting back to her on the items she listed that had a negative effect on her mood prior to 10 a.m., I asked, “Who sold you on the concept of not being a morning person, and what made you want to buy it?”.
She was silent for a few minutes, began shaking her head, and said, “Huh…”. After a few more moments, she realized that thought for exactly what it was, an unhelpful, programmed belief that she had cultivated over many decades. So much so, that she had sold it to others around her (friends and family) which acted as an affirmation bias strengthening the limiting belief. I asked her what she wanted her story to be. This led us into a productive conversation about ways to help her be more present in her beliefs.
Many sessions later with this client, her awareness around this concept has been contagious for her. Before I can ask her any questions, she’ll interject, “There’s another programmed story…”. She has said that the ability to see the difference between programmed and present beliefs has increased her satisfaction in life. She feels she has much better control over the items she can control and more freedom and peace around not trying to control the things she cannot. Satisfaction, freedom, and peace are some awesome outcomes.
Programmed vs. Present: The Power of Coaching
This concept of understanding my beliefs for being either programmed or present has been the most powerful tool in my life. I have moved from living in a black & white world to now living my life in such vivid color. I am an architect and I choose what I want to buy.
Within this power tool, I have also discovered the power of coaching. I am a believer that because humans have eyes placed in front of our heads, unlike most animals, we only see 180 degrees in front of us. It takes something outside of ourselves to see the full 360 degrees of who we are. A good coach, who listens, reflects, and asks deep questions, allows us to see the parts we cannot see.
This is important because what we see, and believe, is what we tend to make more of in our lives. Being present with our beliefs and aware of what may be a programmed belief, puts us in the driver’s seat. That can be scary, but for me, it is the only way to live a life of color.
With that, I’ll leave you with a story that spoke to me a few years ago. “You will find exactly what you expect. A woman walked up to a gate of a guarded community and asked, ‘What kind of people are here?’ The man at the gate replied, ‘What kind of people are there where you are from?’‘They are mean and rude,’ she said. ‘You will find the same people here,’ he told her. Later, another woman walked up and asked the same question. The man offered her the same reply. ‘They are kind and loving,’ she said. ‘You will find the same people here,’ he told her. And so, it is. We often find exactly what we believe we will.”3
What do you believe, who sold it to you and why did you buy it?
References
[1] “Don’t let Negative Programming, Create your Reality” | StreetDirectory.comEditorials
[2] “Reasoning about Beliefs” | Journal, Social Psychology – Harvard University
[3] A Year of Positive Thinking Affirmation Cards | Rockridge Press 2018