A Coaching Power Tool By Ivana Braam, Overseas Filipino Workers Coach, NETHERLANDS
Guilt vs. Self-Compassion: Guide for Finding Inner Peace
Working with my psychologist, I have uncovered that I possess so much guilt in many things I do. I feel guilty when I look after myself and put myself as a priority because I feel it is selfishness. I feel guilty when I cannot help another person when I have the resources to help them even though they never asked for my support anyway. I feel guilty for having things I have worked hard for because others seem to have a hard time getting them. I feel guilty for being truthful to myself because I feel I might hurt other people’s feelings. I feel guilty for leaving my family to work abroad as the breadwinner because I missed a lot of significant events in their lives. The list goes on…
As a coping mechanism, this feeling of guilt brought me some great values too anyway. I am dependable because when I say I will do it, it’s very certain that I will do it no matter what happens. I am generous because I share my time and resources without hesitation with others. I am very empathetic to others trying to understand their feelings and thoughts before putting my judgment. I put others first more than me. All these are great but is it just healthier if I remain to possess these great values without anchoring on the feeling of guilt?
My psychologist then introduced me to the concept of self-compassion. While I get the context of what it is, it took me a while to fully grasp, comprehend, and understand what it means in practice. Just like many of these emotions, it is easier said than done and it takes a lot of practice for it to be a changed mindset and behavior for me. I remember when I went on a trip abroad and a family member said I was very stingy for asking them to pay for an item they asked me to buy because I could easily afford it despite giving them gifts and souvenirs already from the trip. I then had a realization that my feelings of bad or guilt come from the outside due to the pressure to conform to other people’s standards (in this case a family member) and their expectations of me rather than something intrinsic was a revelation. It helped me a lot to pivot my mindset and live a life with less guilt and more love and compassion toward myself. This power tool aims to help those who resonate with my experiences and I hope that it will guide them to finding their inner peace going forward.
What Is the Difference Between Guilt and Compassion?
What Is Guilt?
Guilt
A negative emotion that someone has because they have (think/feel) done something wrong that is against their moral values or causing harm to another person
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, guilt is a feeling of worry or unhappiness that someone has because they have done something wrong, such as causing harm to another person. This definition of guilt focuses on something that has been done already. In reality, many people feel guilty too for things they didn’t even do or they just think they did.
While guilt is generally negative in concept, there are situations in which this natural emotion can be a positive motivator to someone’s self-discovery and learning especially if changes in behavior for the better is a result of this emotion to avoid feeling guilty again. It means that it is a signal that one is striving continuously to be better.
However, if this feeling becomes common and persistent, that is when it poses a problem.
In Psychology, Sigmund Freud mentioned that guilt and shame were strongly attached to anxiety. He said that guilt was a form of anxiety, while shame was a result of anxiety. In many Asian cultures, “shaming” is a common thing the society is doing for someone who behaves atypical to what they branded as normal. People then fear this as a punishment which further leads to impacting negatively the life of an individual. Hence guilt becomes the negative emotion linked to loneliness, agony, and grief someone feels when they do not meet the expectations of the society that they are part of because humans need belonging.
To simplify, guilt can be categorized into two major themes of why one may feel it:
- Compromising one’s moral values (intrinsic)
- Hurting others or causing harm to others (extrinsic)
There are different scenarios of when someone feels guilt:
1. You have done something – the most common reason when someone did something that caused hurt or harm to others and made one feel even remorse. It might also be because one violated their moral values such as when lying for example. It can also come in the form of doing something one promised oneself (not) to do like drinking alcohol or going to the gym but ended up (not) doing.
2. You think you have done something – in this situation, someone might feel guilt when they give someone constructive feedback and the co-worker got fired thinking that the cause of them getting fired is the feedback you have given. On one hand, you know this doesn’t make any sense but it’s difficult to feel otherwise.
3. You have not done something but are thinking to do something – these are situations when someone wants to do something for whatever reason they have but seems to violate their moral values. For example, one might feel guilty about resigning from a job because you think of the teammates you work with and the impact of your leaving on their increased workload and carry the burden of your resignation.
4. You have not done something but feel you must do something – an example of this is when someone feels the guilt for not helping those people in need making their conditions worse even though you have all the means and resources to do so. An impact on oneself and moral values may include the feeling of being selfish.
5. You have not done anything – situations of this include what is called ‘survival guilt’ when someone feels guilty for what happened to them while others suffer. An example of this guilt is what someone feels when a company layoff happens and the people not laid off feel bad for not losing their jobs because many of the people that they work with were fired.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-Compassion
Kindness, love, and empathy we give to ourselves as much as we would give to others
Quoting Buddha,
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
When we are kind and forgiving to ourselves, it gives us more breadth to understand and forgive others, too.
Let’s start by defining what compassion means. Compassion is a strong feeling of sympathy and concern for the suffering or misfortunes of others and a wish to help them. Thus, putting the prefix -self to compassions means giving sympathy and concern to ourselves and the desire to help ourselves. By being self-compassionate, this means that you are being moral and good but directed to yourself. So, it should give you fewer reasons to feel guilty even if it doesn’t involve others.
Paul Gilbert, who founded self-compassion therapy, described how guilt and shame relate to three evolutionary systems that strongly influence human behavior. These are the drive system, the threat system, and the soothing system. The drive system relates to our pursuit of goals and everyday activities to seek reward. It is mediated by the neurotransmitter, dopamine. Our threat system relates to the activation of our fight-flight-freeze responses to respond to threats or danger. It is mediated by the release of the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline. The soothing system is associated with ways of reaching and remaining in a calm state. This includes engaging in warm or nurturing behaviors toward ourselves and others or giving or receiving social support. It is mediated by oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone”, and endorphins which help relieve pain. Oxytocin can also increase serotonin levels, which helps regulate and boost mood.
Meanwhile, according to Dr. Kristin Neff, there are three elements of self-compassion:
- Self-kindness – understanding ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate
- Common humanity – recognizing that all humans suffer and it is not just you
- Mindfulness – taking a balanced approach to your emotions (not exaggerated nor suppressed) and seeing them as they are
How many times have you criticized yourself because of the standards you put to yourself? Because you think you are not worthy of something? Because you feel others are better than you? It’s time to try approving and accepting yourself instead because if it won’t be you, then who will? Remember the oxygen rule in case of an emergency inside the plane, when the oxygen masks drop, make sure to put your oxygen mask first before helping others including your kid. This is because you can only provide help if you are okay with your own needs already.
So, what does self-compassion mean in practice? Here are a few tips:
- Get to know yourself better (self-reflection), acknowledge your pain/suffering
- Learn to accept yourself and your situation (experiences)
- Look at your (unique) strengths and how to utilize them
- Live your most authentic self (and even be unapologetically you at times)
- Forgive yourself more (apologize and let go)
- Engage in activities that soothe and calm you
Guilt vs. Self-Compassion Leads to Transformation
As a coach, guiding individuals to reframe their thoughts and feelings of guilt to empowered self-compassion could lead to transformation. This can be done to empower clients to self-reflect and be aware of their current situation through evoking awareness type of questions. This will help an individual to accept the current situation. It will also be helpful for the coach to regularly acknowledge and appreciate clients’ unique strengths and experiences. This will help your clients think of ways to use their strengths and be themselves rather than obsess over their weaknesses as well as accept the situation as an experience to learn from. You could make use of appreciative inquiry and positive psychology theories to guide and help those individuals through the coaching process.