A Research Paper By Kristen Webb, Decisions Coach, AUSTRALIA
Why Is People Pleasing a Problem?
To be selfless, dedicated to others, and helpful in any situation. To be nice, and always put the needs of others in front of your own. To go above and beyond the expectations of others for the overall betterment of the community.
This sounds like it could be the introduction to a Citizen of the Year award, but it could also be the underlying belief system of a people pleaser and a health hazard.
Now, do not worry, you can still strive to be the citizen of the year and have it not put your health at risk. The difference between a people pleaser suffering health consequences and an award winner living a healthy life is the intention of the action, not the action itself.
The unhealthy problem of people pleasing lies when a person puts the needs of others in front of their own needs to the point of massive imbalance. For example, a people pleaser would find it hard to say “no” to things that they actually want to decline, or “yes” to an opinion that they hold that others don’t. They may lie and say they are interested in a topic that they are completely uninterested in. They are excellent at pretending and blending and fitting themselves into the expectations they feel best suit the needs of others at the moment. People pleasers are also worried about how others perceive them. They spend large amounts of energy interpreting the look they received and what they may have done that offended the person. They may compare themselves to others and feel that other people’s success takes away from their opportunity to be successful.
All this can lead to them feeling overwhelmed and that their life is out of control. They may feel stressed, anxious, and frustrated that their own needs are being ignored by others and resentment can bloom. They may also feel a heaviness deep down and wonder why they don’t receive the attention they so readily give to others and this can drive them to strive even harder to find value in being valuable to others. They often feel they are not good enough.
This external validation creates a sense of helplessness that feeds into a cycle of helping others to feel good but never really feeling good because the external validation is unreliable. When someone’s self-worth is determined by others, they can feel like life is happening to them and that they are so busy meeting the needs of others that there is no time left for them to meet their own.
How Do People Pleasing Impact Mental and Physical Health?
In overvaluing the needs of others, a people pleaser naturally devalues their own needs and thoughts. This can negatively impact their mental and physical health as a person who habitually and consistently values the opinions of others may no longer trust nor seek their own opinion.
We live in a world full of experts and it is easy to give our decision-making away. There are online hacks and how-to videos on everything imaginable (and often unimaginable). We can google manuals and guides in an instant and search for the advice, beliefs, and opinions of people who know better. Instead of seeing a doctor we can self-diagnose and treat our symptoms based on what we find online from someone who may or may not have medical training. In a way, it can sometimes be easier to abdicate responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions and simply follow the path made by others.
However, the consequences of abdicating responsibility from our true selves to strangers can be devastating because if we are not making the decisions that reflect who we are and what we need, our life will not be our own and we will not be happy or healthy. A people pleaser may put off seeking medical care because it is inconvenient and does not fit into the schedule of those around them. They may engage in behaviors that are dangerous because fitting into a group is easier than walking away. They may be physically exhausted, unable to think clearly, and still say yes to doing more. All of these decisions increase the stress a people pleaser feels and the overall level of stress in their life.
Coaching as a Health Solution
One of the fundamental tenets of coaching is that the client attending the coaching session is their own expert. They have come to coaching because they want to shift something or because there is an overall discomfort or stress that they have been unable to release. They are seeking to reconnect with their decision-making self and create a pathway forward that is of their choosing.
As a coach, I think the greatest gift we can give a client is the trust that we believe they are both worthy and capable of creating their own unique path forward. Coaching can intersect and complement mental and physical health recoveries by supporting and partnering with clients who are exploring new directions in their lives that involve improved wellness.
Here are two different approaches that both focus on people pleasers.
A Medical Coach Approach
There is a general consensus that stress is an underlying cause or exacerbating factor in 80% of diseases. Dr. Neha Sangwan is a recovering people pleaser who is both an engineer and a medical doctor. While she was working in a large hospital she burned out and realized that she was placing the needs of her patients – as well as the entire hospital’s organizational structure – well above her own needs. She then took this awareness and refocused her life and now combines coaching and modern medical treatment. She feels that there is an important place for a conversation with patients on their journey to recovery that helps them embrace a more empowered health and life mindset. She has seen how treating the human self as well as the diseased self has improved the overall health of many of her patients. She asks her patients the following questions to engage them on a different level with their recovery. She refers to it as her Awareness Prescription.
- Why this? Why did this part of your body break down?
- Why now? Why not two years ago? Why not three weeks from now? Why did your body need to get your attention at this moment? What’s the message?
- Since hindsight is often 20-20, what signals might you have missed along the way that you can see now?
- What else in your life needs to be healed when you leave here?
- If you spoke from the heart, what would you say to me?
Dr. Sangwan’s questions encompass an entire coaching session in a hospital room. On the heels of a medical issue, there is a vulnerability in a patient that improves the chance of acceptance that something has happened and agreement that the patient doesn’t want it to happen again. There is acknowledgment that something needs to be changed and that the only person who is capable of making the change is the patient. There is also awareness in asking the patient to reflect and see how their past choices have cumulated into this moment. The invitation to action is open not only to the medical issue but also to the patient’s life. With a final question that connects to the patient’s very being, the doctor reminds the patient that they are only accountable to themselves and that they, and their decisions, matter.
Any road to recovery is a new opportunity for anyone to redefine how they see the world and their role in it. These questions bring an empowered perspective to the healing process and an empowered person has less stress in their life which hopefully leads to diseases having less of an impact – and Dr. Sangwan certainly believes this is true.
A Soul Coach Approach
Tracy Secombe is another recovering people pleaser. She explains, “The trouble with it is that as people-pleasers, we are often living our life from the outside in. Our emotions and feelings of self-worth are dependent on the messages we receive from the world around us and from other people.” She brings a holistic and spiritual element to a program that focuses on joy and love. In her book, From People Pleaser to Soul Pleaser, she offers 6 steps to overcoming the people-pleasing habit.
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Become Aware
The first step of evolving past being a habitual people pleaser is for the people pleaser to become aware of their needs, wants, opinions, and thoughts and how those things interact with others. This is where they can shift from reacting out of habit to observing the habits and patterns that have developed in their life.
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Surrender
The second step is about accepting their life as it is. To do this, Tracy suggests people stop blaming, stop focusing on everything that is going wrong, and stop being attached to the exact outcome that they think they need to make themselves happy. Here is where a people pleaser can listen to and acknowledge their fears and understand who and what they are trying to control, and from a place of new awareness they can release their resentment and engage a higher power.
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Follow Your Signs
The third step is where a people pleaser starts to listen to their own needs, wants, opinions, and thoughts. The ones that they have silenced for so long. They can start to refocus their energy on their own being and connect to their inner wisdom and soul. When they realize that they no longer need to have all the answers for everyone, they can ask questions and listen for answers that resonate with them. They are now developing the ability to hear and listen to their own thoughts and decide what choice makes the most sense for their situation and their soul.
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Discover You
The fourth step explores the three equal parts of the self that need to be nurtured: the body, the mind, and the soul. Often different parts have been focussed on in the past, sometimes at the expense of the other parts. Here is where the people pleaser learns to honor them all. Here they explore the underlying beliefs that have been created consciously and unconsciously and how they have been impacting their life.
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Be You
The fifth step reveals the belief, “What I do is completely up to me.” Here, the people pleaser lets go of defining themself by what they do and embraces the value of being themselves. To maintain this connection to self and soul, they have become present and whole and unique and as they focus their energy on their true self, love will follow.
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Experience Bliss
In this final sixth stage, the (recovering) people pleaser has connected completely with who they are and value everything about themself. They understand that their view of the world is how they interpret the story of their life, and the meaning they give it is based on the choice of how they respond to their feelings. They can choose to love freely and often and energize those around them. They are empowered and create the life of their dreams.
Recovering People Pleasing
Empowered people are healthier, and happier and bring joy to the world around them and coaching is a tool that directly supports empowerment. It partners with people pleasers who are unsettled with aspects of their lives and supports them as they decide how they want to create their future. Once empowered, a recovering people pleaser may choose to be selfless, dedicated, and helpful. They may go on to better the community and the world, but they will do it with joy in their heart because they are no longer doing it out of obligation, but out of love.
References
The Surprising Link Between People Pleasing & Your Health
Dr. Neha Sangwan: stress, communication, and healthcare
Secombe, Tracy 2022, From People Pleaser to Soul Pleaser, Potential Realized Publishing, Sydney AUS