A Research Paper By Tammy Cheung, Life Transitions Coach, UNITED KINGDOM
What Comes to Mind When You Think of “Self-Love”?
Stepping into a hot bath, putting on a moisturizing face mask, and sipping on an avocado smoothie?
Over the past years, the term “self-love” has been gaining traction with the increasing awareness of mental health topics. The commercial industry has picked up on the trend, with advertisement slogans such as “you are worth it”, and “treat yourself” – associating self-love to being generous and spending on ourselves.
Despite the hype, self-love seems to be a concept that is not easily quantified. This paper aims to explore the dimensions of self-love, why it is necessary for our well-being, and practical ways to cultivate more of it in our daily lives.
What Is Self-Love?
Definition
As part of my research, I put the question to my friends on social media: “What is self-love to you?”. Apparently, the answer can vary from person to person. Here are some of the responses I received:
- Wrapping myself in a blanket with snacks and a good book
- Putting my feelings as a priority – do what makes me feel good and happy
- Being kind and compassionate to myself as I would to a close friend
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, self-love is “an appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue; proper regard for and attention to one’s own happiness or well-being”. By this definition, we can see why self-love can have many different faces – because we all have different ways of relating to and taking care of ourselves.
Cultural Context: East vs. West
Cultural influence has a significant impact on our interpretation of self-love.
In the Western context, self-love is linked to individuality – the rights, dignity, and sense of self-worth, as well as one’s relationship with oneself. In Chinese philosophy, self-love focuses more on the cultivation of an individual’s conduct and ethics, which provides the basis for peace, harmony, and order in the wider society (Thompson and Tu, 1987).
A study conducted with Chinese participants from diverse professions found that Chinese self-love is highly influenced by Confucian culture, which provides guiding principles for how to be human (Xue et al., 2021). As written in “Daxue” (one of the “Four Books” in Confucianism), “Cultivate one’s moral character, complete one’s family, govern one’s country and bring peace to the world.” In Xiaojing (Chinese: “Classic of Filial Piety”), Confucius said: “Your body, including hair and skin, you have received from your father and mother, and you should not dare to harm or destroy it.”
We can see that the Chinese idea of self-love is linked to one’s family, filial piety, and a sense of community – prominent values in Chinese culture. It is therefore understandable that Western self-love – focusing on individual entitlements and happiness, may be seen as selfishness from the perspective of conventional Chinese values.
For me, neither Chinese nor Western philosophy is superior to the other; it is a matter of viewing self-love as a means or an end. Chinese philosophy focuses on self-love as a means of achieving peace in the wider society; Western philosophy sees self-love as an end goal – to be attuned to our own needs and cultivate peace within ourselves.
Nevertheless, both Chinese and Western philosophy agree on one point: the importance of taking care of ourselves. Having love and compassion for ourselves enables us to show genuine kindness towards others. We cannot pour from an empty cup.
Why Do We Need Self-Love?
We have started talking about the positive impact of loving ourselves. To talk science, here are some evidence-based benefits of self-love:
Mental health – A large body of psychological research shows that self-love has a strong impact on our mental health and emotional state, in terms of decreasing anxiety, depression, anger, and loneliness, and also increasing resilience and encouragement for ourselves in the face of setbacks.
Goal setting and achievement – Self-love helps us recognize our own strengths and listen to our own needs. With a deeper understanding of our motivation and energy, we are able to align decisions and behaviors to focus on what really matters to us.
Physical health – Research shows those with high self-love quotients are more likely to make healthy choices that nurture their well-being. These may be in the form of eating healthy, exercising, or having healthy relationships.
Stronger relationships – Self-love helps us connect with the very human part of ourselves, and recognize it in others. The more accepting and compassionate we are towards ourselves, the more we are able to accept and show compassion to others. This opens the door for more quality friendships and relationships.
Challenges to Self-Love
Nature and Nurture
As humans, we are negatively biased. We are wired to pay attention to negative events and feelings more than positive ones(Cherry, 2023). In particular, if you grew up in an environment without any models for self-love, or lacking affirmations from caretakers, loving oneself may not come naturally to you. In this case, being intentional to practice self-love is essential in providing a nourishing mental environment for us to grow and thrive.
Self-Love vs. Narcissism
Self-love is sometimes seen by people as being narcissistic. The main confusion is that both concepts are associated with higher levels of self-esteem.
Narcissists appear to have a grandiose sense of self, seeing other people as inferior. However, research shows that the tendency to engage in self-elevation, one of the characteristics of narcissism, correlates highly with the need for social validation (Kowalchyk et al., 2021). It means that underneath the grandiosity of a narcissist, there can be vulnerability and a desire to be admired by others.
Meanwhile, people who practice self-love acknowledge their flaws and strengths. Their confidence comes from understanding who they are, and being able to love themselves in spite of their perceived failures and imperfections. They do not need constant social validation and recognition as they can find it within themselves.
Social Media Overload
In modern days, we are seemingly more connected to each other than ever on social media; and yet feelings of alienation and loneliness are prominent, especially among the younger generation.
Having access to the world at our fingertips can promote or hinder our mental well-being. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” When we compare our daily, “normal” life to the curated, picture-perfect lives we see on social media, it is easy to fall into insecurity and an obsession to seek approval from others.
By cultivating self-love, we hold a compass as we navigate the world of social media feeds. We recognize that everyone is going at their own pace, and remember that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to our choices of lifestyle and goals. This brings us to our next section.
Practical Techniques to Cultivate Self-Love
It is likely that you recognize one or more of the above challenges to self-love. The good news is that self-love is something that you can get better at with the right techniques and practice.
“The right way” here means what feels right and works for YOU. It can look different for everyone. There are lots of self-love resources out there such as guided meditations, mindfulness programs, retreats… It can be overwhelming if you are looking for a place to start.
Here are some easy options you can try out today:
Listen to yourself – observe your self-talk – the way you talk to yourself. Negative self-talk can sound like an inner critic – “I’m not good at this”, “I will never be able to do this”. When we have too much negative self-talk, it undermines our confidence and leads to stress and anxiety. To break out of the cycle, try to pause and notice what you say to yourself. Challenge your thoughts – is it really true? More often than not, negative self-talk is exaggerated.
Set healthy boundaries – respect your values and do more of the things that align with your interests and happiness. Practice saying no to protect your energy and space. Get out of the tendency to please.
Practicing gratitude – not necessarily in the form of journaling, if writing is not your thing. You can show appreciation to a person important in your life, check-in and reconnect with a friend, or chat with someone to recount events you are grateful for recently.
Seek out a coach – working with a professional coach can help you develop a healthier relationship with yourself, often by clarifying your needs and values, dispelling limiting beliefs, and building sustainable practices for more self-compassion and confidence.
Self-Love Different Ways
Self-love can look different for each person because we have different ways of relating to and taking care of ourselves.
The challenge and fun about the journey is figuring out what works best for you as an individual, and being intentional to practise one step at a time until it becomes a habit.
Happy exploring!
References
Kowalchyk, M. et al. (2021) ‘Narcissism through the lens of performative self-elevation’, Personality and Individual Differences, 177, p. 110780. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2021.110780.
Thompson, K. O., and Tu, W. M. (1987) Confucian thought: selfhood as creative transformation. Philos. East West 37:323. doi: 10.2307/1398522
Xue, L. M., Huang, X. T., Wu, N., & Yue, T. (2021) ‘A Qualitative Exploration of Chinese Self-Love’, Frontiers in Psychology, 12. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.585719
Borenstein, J. (2020). Self-Love and What It Means. Brain & Behavior Research Foundation.
Cherry, K. (2023). What Is the Negativity Bias? Retrieved November 30, 2023
Self-Talk (2022). Retrieved December 5, 2023
Asghar, A. (2022). The Science of Self-Love. Retrieved Nov 28, 2023